My Vow to myself

 I have decided to turn this event into the best thing that has ever happened in my life. A chance to start anew with all the wisdom learned over the last few years I got to start with a clean slate a new life, I'm not going to create a new me, rather I am going to let go of the parts that aren't me. 

One Month

 I am not going to lie, divorce is hard even when you know it's the best thing for everyone, it still hurts and it's difficult. 

My main goals are to 

- Take Care of Myself

- Work out the Grief

- Dealing with Challenges

Funny that for people who experienced trauma in their childhood a breakup brings out those unresolved memories. I dealt with stuff no child should have ever dealt with, and I thought I had moved past that, learned my lessons and made peace with my childhood trauma, I think that 10% of my pain is from the divorce and 90% of the pain is unacknowledged abuse and abandonment I experienced as a child. 

The good thing is that I am resolved to properly heal and that I am not doing this alone, I have reached out to all my people to help me get through this. I am naturally very impatient and I use that to my advantage for most situations, however, there is no shortcut for healing, so I will have to be patient and trust the process. I am willing to do the work and I have decided to make this the perfect chance to start a new life in which I let go of my previous patterns of dysfunction. 

I am taking care of myself by exercising every single day, cutting out alcohol and junk food. I have eliminated as many bad habits as I can think of, I am eliminating all negativity from my life, anything that doesn't help me, I'm purging it out. I know the things I want to be doing long term, but first I need to take care of so many different things, first of which is making sure I'm getting my work done, I need this job, next is arranging living by myself, this is something that I've never really done. 

I remember that I was single with no girlfriend (or wife) from 20 years old to 22 years old while I was in the Marine Corps. I do remember that for the most part I was happy on my own, except Sundays, I remember I tried going to church in NC to make myself feel like I felt when I was home. 

I am going to learn how to have my best possible life, I choose to be happy, I choose gratitude, I choose to enjoy life no matter what happens. 

Grief

I am working on learning how to grieve and let go in a way that's healthy and lasting. My marriage had many happy moments but it's no more. I am at peace with it, and I am moving on. However, the heart doesn't work like that, you can't just flip a switch and forget the last 25 years of your life, it's a process and I admit I have to get help for that, that's why I am studying this like it's a college assignment and I am talking to a therapist and I am leaning on my support system, because I am determined to do this correctly, since my life depends on it, literally. 

Challenges

It's not easy, but I feel confident I can get through all the stuff, however there are days where everything comes at once and it's overwhelming. I am working on getting the tools to help me through that. 

The goal is to turn this into the best thing that has ever happened to my life. I get to decide what this means for me. I lived for too long being afraid of not being in a relationship, doing things to please others and denying myself the things I wanted for me. So I am done living like that. I am going to live my best life and I am going to become the best version of myself. 

Anyway, that's it for today. 

Ah, one last thing, I've decided that I am going to keep writing, I will answer my calling, I just know I can create stories worth sharing, but I have to do things in the right order, I need to focus on my well-being and taking care of the logistics of my new life first, but I haven't stopped writing, it soothes me, I heals and I think my humble contributions might be worth sharing with the world someday. Inspired by Gabo and SK, I want to make tales to entertain you, my dear reader. 

-JV

How to be a Stoic

The other day someone very dear to me asked me if I had any books about stoicism, so I went and got them their own copy of "How to be a Stoic" by Massimo Pigliucci, which is a pretty good introduction to the philosophy of stoicism. 

My aim is to live my life according to the three stoic principles and the four cardinal stoic virtues, I don't always live up to my values, but I do try and I don't quit. 

In any case, just wanted to explain how can a person live like a stoic?

You practice the three disciplines and the four virtues.

The Three Disciplines

The Discipline of Perception.

Control how you see events. Separate the facts from your judgement about those facts. I like to illustrate this with the Buddhist Parable of the Second Arrow.  

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. You cannot avoid feeling the pain of something that you did not desire, but you get to decide how you react to it.  You separate the cold, objective facts from your judgement about it. 

The Discipline of Action

Focus your energy only on what you can change. Act with justice, kindness, and public service.  The past is past, cannot be changed, there is no point in living in the past. Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, worrying about something that hasn't happened yet is unnecessary suffering. 

This doesn't mean don't learn anything from the past, or don't plan ahead for the future. It means that there is no point beating yourself up for something that's already in the past, and getting anxious about things that may or may not happen is a waste of mental energy. 

The Discipline of Will (or Desire)

Accept fate with grace, master your inner desires and find peace with what happens outside your control.

When an unexpected obstacle disrupts your plans, you say to yourself "This is exactly what I needed to grow" Use the setback as an opportunity to practice, patience, resilience and creativity. 

The Four Cardinal Stoic Virtues

Wisdom

Knowing what is good, what is bad, and what is indifferent. Focusing only on things you can control. 

Courage

Facing fear, danger, and hardship with strength, enduring pain or difficult tasks without complaint. Standing up for what is right despite personal risk. 

Justice

Treating all people fairly and with moral integrity. Working for the common good and helping your community. Act with kindness and refusing to harm others. 

Temperance

Practicing self-control and moderation in all things. Mastering your desires and avoiding extremes. Keeping a balance between work, rest and pleasure. 

Applying Stoicism via Exercises

(source: this Daily Stoic article)

Reflection

A view from Above

Contemplation of the Ideal Man (or Woman)

Philanthropy

Self-Retreat

Journal

Self-Control 

Same me, new beginnings

(warning: This content was 100% Human written,  with grammar error and confusing sentences and also 100% authentic) 

 I have worn many different hats, different roles, I have lived many lives. I was once a child in Venezuela, a person,. Then I was an immigrant in South Florida, in my new country I learned to view myself as an "other" Now I was a "Latino", "Hispanic" before then I never thought about my identity based on my culture, but then I learned about what that meant, that I was not "white". Then at 18 I did not only join the Marine Corp, I became a Marine, there's a difference. Later on I became a "war veteran" and to the Federal government I was a "disabled veteran" thanks to PTSD and loud explosions aimed at ending my life.  After the military I knew I wanted to be an engineer, a professional, middle class. Homeowner, citizen, a voter. 

All my life, for as long as I can remember I just knew that I wanted to be a father and a husband. I don't remember ever deciding, it was sort of the thing you were supposed to do, grow up, get an education, get married, have kids, those kids then will go and do the same as the parents, they will also grow up, learn a profession and also get married and have kids. Never questioned it, just accepted it. 

In 2002 I became a husband, less than six months before putting my boots in the Iraqi soil and taking part in an American history fiasco. In 2005 my wife made me a father to Jolyne, then in 2007 again, a father to Gaby. 

This year I will no longer be a husband. Martha and I are splitting up. 

All my life I used to think that if you were married it meant you were successful and, if you were divorced, something was broken, you were unlovable or had a dysfunction. Divorcees were losers, not good, married people, they got their shit together and they are happy forever after. 

Now I know, that those two things happiness and marriage don't always go together. Martha and I were struggling for a while, but we both really wanted things to work, we tried to stay together, we really did. At the end it did not work out. Ending it is what we both want, we both agree that going our separate ways is the best for everyone. 

There were many happy moments, in fact I'm willing to say that if you were to count the minutes we were married I'm willing to bet more than 90% of those were happy times at least not miserable. I should not be speaking for Martha on that assessment but I want to believe she'd agree. 

But we had our issues and we were not able to resolve it. I take ownership of triggering the end of the marriage, but at the end she had the last word and I respect that. 

Going forward, I am going to spend all the energy I had invested in trying to salvage the relationship back to me, I thought that if I made my wife happy then I would be happy, now I know that's a mistake. I am now focused on making myself happy, with the understanding that nobody can do that for me, but me. 

I no longer think that I have to be in a relationship to be happy, I used to have this deep fear of loneliness and dying alone and all of that. Today that's not a fear I have, I look forward to being my own person again and forging my own path, I am going to do whatever I like to do because I want to and because I like it, only. I'm no longer going to do anything in order for somebody else to like me or approve of me, because I realized that wanting approval, love, affection validation from other people without first approving, loving and validating yourself is a recipe for toxic relationships. 

As far as roles, hats and shoes, I will always be a father, with my own repertoire of dad jokes, infinite unconditional love for my girls, and my full presence, they are my first priority always. Thankfully, they are both well-adjusted adults. I want to believe we did a good job in raising two amazing human beings, Kudos to Martha for fiercely protecting our girls from potential threats and bad situations. I'd like to think we set a good example in that front. 

In the near future I am going to be focused on healing, grieving the loss, owning my mistakes, and then finding my way, my plan is to live well, to find happiness, meaning and purpose not on external things or achievements but in how I am engaged in the moment. 

I really like my profession, my career as a software engineer has been rewarding (emotionally and financially) but that's not all that I am. Yes, I am a brown immigrant from a hispanic country to my fellow Americans of the caucasian kind, but that's just a fraction of who I am, same goes for being a Marine, a grunt that can still fire every weapon in the NATO arsenal and can still run 5 miles without collapsing. The infantry grunt is still there but it's also a fraction of who I am, the war in Iraq made it so that I cannot forget that phase in my life, but again, that's not all there is to being me. 

I've been thinking about that, what is my purpose, how do I give meaning to my life? 

I can tell you a couple of things, being a father comes easy to me, reading books happens almost automatically, it's like, what I do by default? lol. I love baseball, I stopped following it every day because I was busy, busy with work, school, kids and as of late, doing everything I could to make my marriage work. Now that I have more free time, my love for baseball resurfaced, it wasn't buried too deep. I like to run and work out, I might be a bit more intentional and systematic in my personal fitness, after all, I will be 50 years old in less than 3 years so I want to live healthy so I can enjoy my time left walking this earth. Those who know me might be surprised to learn that I have a deep, wide love and appreciation for music. I want to go back to playing the piano/keyboard, maybe even play for audiences in a band somewhere. I've always wanted to learn how to dance, I've always been stiff, with no rhythm, my dancing is so bad, my latino card was almost revoked. I've always had an issue with that, and I want to do it, I know I can do it, when I was a high school freshman I was the nerdiest, skinniest, clumsy 14 year old in my high school, and someone made a remark about how "I could never make the baseball team" I set out a goal to try out for the high school baseball team and make the cut, and I did, same goes for USMC boot camp, undergraduate degree in engineering while working full time with no support from my parents, just Martha and me. Same for grad school, worked full time and went to school after work every night until I dropped dead tired on top my laptop and notes and cups of coffee. I know I can do hard things, so yes, I can learn to dance salsa, merengue and bachata to the beat. 

But here's the thing, the real me, my life's purpose, I've known I wanted to be a writer since I was an early teenager, Stephen King, Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Ann Frank writing her diary from an Attic in Holland all gave me not, the inspiration, but the knowledge, the certainty that I am one of them, not as talented, prolific or successful, but I honestly don't care about any of that. I have enough money to live with all my needs met, I don't really care that much what other people think about me, I am going to write for me and only me at first. If I write something worth sharing, I'll share it with the world but that's not the point, the point is that I HAVE to write, if don't write, I will burst. I am not afraid of dying alone, I am not afraid of nobody loving me or whatever. My fear is that I will die without saying what I have to say, without finding my voice. That would be the real tragedy. 

So today I say, I am a writer, but I have not been writing, so I have work to do. 

My Review of "Half His Age" by Jennette McCurdy on Goodreads

Half His Age by Jennette McCurdy
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Is this book good or bad? It’s fucking good, okay?

Are you, the person reading this review, going to like it? Maybe. Maybe not.

Does it have gross, gratuitous, graphic content? Yes, it does. If that’s a problem for you, don’t read it. Are your pearls easily clutched? Then move along.

I’m not going to comment on the literary merits or debate what was too much or too little; other reviews here already do that very well. What I will say is that, for me, as a man, reading this book was quite an experience. I wanted to understand the main character, and I could clearly see how pathetic, manipulative, and abusive the man was. Still, it was hard to put this book down.

I honestly feel a little guilty about how quickly I read it. I saw it at a bookstore, got hooked, found out who the author was, and then tore through it in just a few days.

I see this as a coming-of-age story. I also see it as a feminist story told through the perspective of a flawed, imperfectly likable character.

And yes, I liked the gross stuff. Don’t judge me. (Honestly, the graphic content isn’t even that bad.)

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My Review of Japanese Gothic by Kylie Lee Baker

Japanese Gothic by Kylie Lee Baker
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

There’s a little house hidden among the ferns somewhere in southern Japan. Don’t go there.

This is a good book. Just read it and don’t worry too much about reviews or what other people say. If you enjoy a good story with Japanese gothic vibes, give it a try.

I added this book to my reading list after I read Bat Eater and Other Names for Cora Zeng, though the pacing and structure couldn’t be more different. Japanese Gothic takes a bit longer to get going, and it took me a while to realize I was dealing with unreliable narrator(s).

It’s hard to pin this book down to a single genre: mystery, horror, gothic? (Whatever that means. I’m still not entirely sure what makes a novel “gothic” rather than just plain horror. I googled it, but I’m still not 100% convinced.)

I got completely lost in this maze of a book. There are so many themes to explore, along with plenty of emotional depth. I don’t want to spoil too much, but I’ll say I was pleasantly surprised. I’m not sure what I expected, maybe the equivalent of Mexican Gothic set in Japan, or something closer to What Moves the Dead. Instead, it gave me more Cloud Atlas vibes.

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My Review of "Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead" by Olga Tokarczuk

Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead by Olga Tokarczuk
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I really enjoyed this book.

Janina is an older woman living in a remote part of Poland, near the Czech border. That border theme shows up often in the story, which made me wonder if it’s tied to Poland’s history, especially around World War II. In any case, people in the area start turning up dead and it almost seems like the animals might be responsible.

The book pushed me to confront something deeply uncomfortable: how humans treat animals. I remember touching on this in a philosophy course in college the idea that we don’t really have a consistent moral framework to justify our relationship with animals. We exploit them, consume them, and kill them, sometimes for reasons we can defend, but often without much justification at all.

What I appreciated most is how the book balances weight and humor. It’s thoughtful and unsettling, but also genuinely funny in places I found myself laughing out loud more than once. I also got the sense that the translation must have been challenging. There are a lot of wordplays and linguistic nuances that don’t always carry over cleanly from Polish to English. As someone who’s dealt with translation, that felt very relatable.

The tone is difficult to pin down. I’ve seen it described as “mythical,” and that feels close, but to me it also reads as surreal and a bit gothic. The pacing is strange in a good way it feels both slow and fast at the same time.

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