Update October

 After 3 months I am doing much better. I am still going to therapy, meditating, exercising, journaling and reflecting I am starting to feel a bit like my old self. 

I wish I could share all the findings and learnings but I can't for a bunch of reasons, however I can say this: I am more than ever 100% sure that the life is good and it only gets better. Why? because my state of mind does not depend on any external circumstance or person. It's up to me to decide what kind of life I want to lead and my choice is to live well. I choose to face the world with no fear, and full of love. Love for myself, and love for the people who are with me, love and gratitude for life and for being alive. I already have everything I need to be whole. I choose to be in the present moment engaged and fully focused on what matters. 

I'm also focusing on work, keep growing my skills, putting my effort in helping my team be more effective and helping other teams collaborate more smoothly, doing work that I enjoy. 

I have been making my new apartment in Lynnwood look better. Petunia and I are living it up! (Depending on your definition of living it up) We're still alive, and we're up on the top floor of our building, so...we're living it UP. 

Rocket Science for Everyone

Yale University offers a free course Rocket Science for Everyone with Dr. Marla Geha. 

This is a good introduction into the fascinating world of rockets and satellites, I remember when I used to mentor the FIRST robotics team and work with radios how fun it was to build things that you can touch with your hands and interact with the real world. Not that there's anything boring about working in the cloud, but seeing a physical object doing a thing is so freaking satisfying. 

My Review of "Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment" by Marisa G. Franco, PhD

Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment by Marisa G. Franco
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I enjoyed reading this book, it offers insights into people's inner psyche. What makes us feel worthy or unworthy is not always what you'd think, making more money, getting prestigious job titles do not necessarily make us feel more worthy, neither are achievements or relationships. It comes from our memories, early memories from when our brains were developing shape our sense of worth. People who experienced trauma in their developing years can "repair" these memories via memory reconsolidation exercises. For memories we can't remember there are (relatively) new treatments like EFT and IFS that experiments show actually work. There's even newer, still experimental treatments like using psychedelics that can help. Although me personally wouldn't feel safe trying it.
I like the explanation of our conscious self consisting of many parts, and how we can learn to accept all our parts, even the ones that caused us shame, because they are all trying to help you cope.
At the end, it's all about self-acceptance, paradoxically, we get a sense of worth when we stop trying to do things to get self-worth, if we learn to accept ourselves as we are, acting in alignment to our nature, that we gain acceptance. Denying our feelings, repressing our emotions, needs or wants lead to low self-worth.
I recommend it to anyone trying to understand themselves better.

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Blood in the Machine Podcast

I am about to start listening to this podcast after hearing it mentioned as an excellent source from two different people. The blog itself is really good, 

My Review of "The Reverse Centaur's Guide to Life After AI" by Cory Doctorow

The Reverse Centaur's Guide to Life After AI: How to Think About Artificial Intelligence—Before It's Too Late by Cory Doctorow
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Cory is such a good writer you can't help but to say glued to this book until you finish it. I like the style, the substance and the message is good. What he says is that the problem with AI today is not necessarily tech, it's how tech is used. What is is used for and what it does to whom and for whom. Meaning, it makes no sense to be "anti-statistical inference" or "anit-linear regression" those are tools, but you gotta pay attention and the thing to do is be "anti-bosses" "anti-monopolies"
This is quote gets to the crux of the whole book:

The most important thing about the gadget isn’t what it does, it’s who it does it for and who it does it to. Inevitabilists will tell you a version of this story whose moral is, See, you take the good with the bad. They’re wrong. You don’t have to take the good with the bad. You can get the good without the bad. The difference isn’t to be found in what a technology does; it’s in what your boss uses the technology to inflict upon you. If you want to get the good without the bad, you need to switch from fighting technologies to fighting bosses.

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Masculinity and Moral Seriousness

 I was profoundly impressed with the conversation between Barak Obama and Lauren Groff when they were discussing the book All the Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy. (Featured in the Audible "A Great Book" with Barack Obama) 

The interview with Lauren Groff made me want to read McCarthy's "All the Pretty Horses", and it turned me into a Lauren Groff's fan. The last 10 minutes of the interview were powerful, essentially they offer literature as way to teach boys a framework for masculinity that is the antidote to today's performative, toxic masculinity. The quiet strength of the characters, the moral seriousness of the men that are in these novels, these are the models that we can use to teach young boys how to be better men. 

I love the quote from Lauren at the end of the interview

Barack was saying how these voices are important to guide us as we navigate a dark world and she said this help us

"Have the courage to meet the world with LOVE as opposed to Fear and Anger"

That was beautiful and profound, the courage part is key, it's easier to be angry and be afraid in the face of an unjust, dark uncaring universe. It takes a lot of gut to love, to be generous, to live with grace. 

-JV

Rape Culture and the Manosphere

 The latest college rape scandal involving Cornell University students is just another example of how a culture that allows men to get away with these kind of things. There are 3 basic problems I see

1. This is a problem men have that men have to fix, and it takes all men to do it. It means we hold each other accountable. 

2. There's also the issue that our institutions are structured in such a way that allow men to get away with this, it takes a lot for men to get convicted, the burden of proof is on the victims. 

3. People need to stop blaming the victims here, if a person doesn't consent, or can't consent then the answer is no. 

Update

 Today I'm feeling grateful. I've had so many people, so many people, friends from the Marines, cousins, people from school, work, Florida, my dear sister, my close friends (you know who you are) so many of you who've shown me love and support through these times I am so thankful for you, just know that you mean a lot to me. If I consider you a friend you must know that I have respect, love and appreciation for you. 

I have been doing the work to get better. I am going to therapy, journaling, meditating and reflecting. I am grieving and processing, I'm also more present in my day to day and I have learned to get joy from living in the moment. I am getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well and making new friends. I already have all I need to be happy, and yet I know things will get even better in the future. 

I have promised myself that I will never make my happiness and emotional state dependent on anyone else’s behavior or emotional state. I alone am responsible for my own happiness and my own life and my own emotions.

I feel well, but I don't think I'm fully me just yet. The authentic, real me is unstoppable, ambitious, ready to take on the whole world. Right now I'm healing, licking my wounds, recovering. But I will be back 100% I'm sure about that.

You get to choose who you want to be

“Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become the next moment. By the same token, every human being has the freedom to change at any instant.”
― Viktor Emil Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning


The ultimate freedom we have is that of choice. We get to pick how to react to any circumstance,  you get to pick at any moment, regardless of your past, how you want to be, how you want to act now, today at this very moment. 

I am choosing love.

I choose love over anger because it's in my best interest.  

I choose love over anger because love allows me to let go and move on. 

I choose me. 

I choose peace.

I choose compassion.

I choose acceptance with serenity, dignity and grace. 

I choose to love, to forgive and to live a life of purpose and meaning. 

I choose to keep going despite mistakes and setbacks. 

I choose to let go of the things that hold me back. 

I choose gratitude

Why should I choose kindness, love and compassion instead of being angry? Because it is in my best interest, because the best life for me is one in which I'm living a life in which I listen to what my conscience commands me to do and I carry it out to the best of my knowledge.

What does my conscience tell me? To stop the cycle of hurt, to dedicate my life to making the world a little better starting with me. I have not been good to myself, my inner critic always telling me the ways I fall short of my values. I am working on that and I am making good progress. I don't always succeed but the measure is how you react after you've fallen, do you stay in the mud or do you get up and keep going. 

Anyway. 

I am doing well, I have good days, I have awesome amazing days, and sometimes I have bad moments. Those moments are getting less intense and less frequent, but I'm still grieving, I'm making sure I'm doing it in a healthy way. I wish there was a fast-forward button to speed things up, but recovery is a process not an event. 

I am getting help with my emotional recovery, I have met people who have been in my position before and that are there for me all the time, they are helping me stay accountable for my actions and giving me support and encouragement. 

My Vow to myself

 I have decided to turn this event into the best thing that has ever happened in my life. A chance to start anew with all the wisdom learned over the last few years I got to start with a clean slate a new life, I'm not going to create a new me, rather I am going to let go of the parts that aren't me.