Masculinity and Moral Seriousness

 I was profoundly impressed with the conversation between Barak Obama and Lauren Groff when they were discussing the book All the Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy. (Featured in the Audible "A Great Book" with Barack Obama) 

The interview with Lauren Groff made me want to read McCarthy's "All the Pretty Horses", and it turned me into a Lauren Groff's fan. The last 10 minutes of the interview were powerful, essentially they offer literature as way to teach boys a framework for masculinity that is the antidote to today's performative, toxic masculinity. The quiet strength of the characters, the moral seriousness of the men that are in these novels, these are the models that we can use to teach young boys how to be better men. 

I love the quote from Lauren at the end of the interview

Barack was saying how these voices are important to guide us as we navigate a dark world and she said this help us

"Have the courage to meet the world with LOVE as opposed to Fear and Anger"

That was beautiful and profound, the courage part is key, it's easier to be angry and be afraid in the face of an unjust, dark uncaring universe. It takes a lot of gut to love, to be generous, to live with grace. 

-JV

Rape Culture and the Manosphere

 The latest college rape scandal involving Cornell University students is just another example of how a culture that allows men to get away with these kind of things. There are 3 basic problems I see

1. This is a problem men have that men have to fix, and it takes all men to do it. It means we hold each other accountable. 

2. There's also the issue that our institutions are structured in such a way that allow men to get away with this, it takes a lot for men to get convicted, the burden of proof is on the victims. 

3. People need to stop blaming the victims here, if a person doesn't consent, or can't consent then the answer is no. 

Update

 Today I'm feeling grateful. I've had so many people, so many people, friends from the Marines, cousins, people from school, work, Florida, my dear sister, my close friends (you know who you are) so many of you who've shown me love and support through these times I am so thankful for you, just know that you mean a lot to me. If I consider you a friend you must know that I have respect, love and appreciation for you. 

I have been doing the work to get better. I am going to therapy, journaling, meditating and reflecting. I am grieving and processing, I'm also more present in my day to day and I have learned to get joy from living in the moment. I am getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well and making new friends. I already have all I need to be happy, and yet I know things will get even better in the future. 

I have promised myself that I will never make my happiness and emotional state dependent on anyone else’s behavior or emotional state. I alone am responsible for my own happiness and my own life and my own emotions.

I feel well, but I don't think I'm fully me just yet. The authentic, real me is unstoppable, ambitious, ready to take on the whole world. Right now I'm healing, licking my wounds, recovering. But I will be back 100% I'm sure about that.

You get to choose who you want to be

“Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become the next moment. By the same token, every human being has the freedom to change at any instant.”
― Viktor Emil Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning


The ultimate freedom we have is that of choice. We get to pick how to react to any circumstance,  you get to pick at any moment, regardless of your past, how you want to be, how you want to act now, today at this very moment. 

I am choosing love.

I choose love over anger because it's in my best interest.  

I choose love over anger because love allows me to let go and move on. 

I choose me. 

I choose peace.

I choose compassion.

I choose acceptance with serenity, dignity and grace. 

I choose to love, to forgive and to live a life of purpose and meaning. 

I choose to keep going despite mistakes and setbacks. 

I choose to let go of the things that hold me back. 

I choose gratitude

Why should I choose kindness, love and compassion instead of being angry? Because it is in my best interest, because the best life for me is one in which I'm living a life in which I listen to what my conscience commands me to do and I carry it out to the best of my knowledge.

What does my conscience tell me? To stop the cycle of hurt, to dedicate my life to making the world a little better starting with me. I have not been good to myself, my inner critic always telling me the ways I fall short of my values. I am working on that and I am making good progress. I don't always succeed but the measure is how you react after you've fallen, do you stay in the mud or do you get up and keep going. 

Anyway. 

I am doing well, I have good days, I have awesome amazing days, and sometimes I have bad moments. Those moments are getting less intense and less frequent, but I'm still grieving, I'm making sure I'm doing it in a healthy way. I wish there was a fast-forward button to speed things up, but recovery is a process not an event. 

I am getting help with my emotional recovery, I have met people who have been in my position before and that are there for me all the time, they are helping me stay accountable for my actions and giving me support and encouragement. 

My Vow to myself

 I have decided to turn this event into the best thing that has ever happened in my life. A chance to start anew with all the wisdom learned over the last few years I got to start with a clean slate a new life, I'm not going to create a new me, rather I am going to let go of the parts that aren't me. 

One Month

 I am not going to lie, divorce is hard even when you know it's the best thing for everyone, it still hurts and it's difficult. 

My main goals are to 

- Take Care of Myself

- Work out the Grief

- Dealing with Challenges

Funny that for people who experienced trauma in their childhood a breakup brings out those unresolved memories. I dealt with stuff no child should have ever dealt with, and I thought I had moved past that, learned my lessons and made peace with my childhood trauma, I think that 10% of my pain is from the divorce and 90% of the pain is unacknowledged abuse and abandonment I experienced as a child. 

The good thing is that I am resolved to properly heal and that I am not doing this alone, I have reached out to all my people to help me get through this. I am naturally very impatient and I use that to my advantage for most situations, however, there is no shortcut for healing, so I will have to be patient and trust the process. I am willing to do the work and I have decided to make this the perfect chance to start a new life in which I let go of my previous patterns of dysfunction. 

I am taking care of myself by exercising every single day, cutting out alcohol and junk food. I have eliminated as many bad habits as I can think of, I am eliminating all negativity from my life, anything that doesn't help me, I'm purging it out. I know the things I want to be doing long term, but first I need to take care of so many different things, first of which is making sure I'm getting my work done, I need this job, next is arranging living by myself, this is something that I've never really done. 

I remember that I was single with no girlfriend (or wife) from 20 years old to 22 years old while I was in the Marine Corps. I do remember that for the most part I was happy on my own, except Sundays, I remember I tried going to church in NC to make myself feel like I felt when I was home. 

I am going to learn how to have my best possible life, I choose to be happy, I choose gratitude, I choose to enjoy life no matter what happens. 

Grief

I am working on learning how to grieve and let go in a way that's healthy and lasting. My marriage had many happy moments but it's no more. I am at peace with it, and I am moving on. However, the heart doesn't work like that, you can't just flip a switch and forget the last 25 years of your life, it's a process and I admit I have to get help for that, that's why I am studying this like it's a college assignment and I am talking to a therapist and I am leaning on my support system, because I am determined to do this correctly, since my life depends on it, literally. 

Challenges

It's not easy, but I feel confident I can get through all the stuff, however there are days where everything comes at once and it's overwhelming. I am working on getting the tools to help me through that. 

The goal is to turn this into the best thing that has ever happened to my life. I get to decide what this means for me. I lived for too long being afraid of not being in a relationship, doing things to please others and denying myself the things I wanted for me. So I am done living like that. I am going to live my best life and I am going to become the best version of myself. 

Anyway, that's it for today. 

Ah, one last thing, I've decided that I am going to keep writing, I will answer my calling, I just know I can create stories worth sharing, but I have to do things in the right order, I need to focus on my well-being and taking care of the logistics of my new life first, but I haven't stopped writing, it soothes me, I heals and I think my humble contributions might be worth sharing with the world someday. Inspired by Gabo and SK, I want to make tales to entertain you, my dear reader. 

-JV

How to be a Stoic

The other day someone very dear to me asked me if I had any books about stoicism, so I went and got them their own copy of "How to be a Stoic" by Massimo Pigliucci, which is a pretty good introduction to the philosophy of stoicism. 

My aim is to live my life according to the three stoic principles and the four cardinal stoic virtues, I don't always live up to my values, but I do try and I don't quit. 

In any case, just wanted to explain how can a person live like a stoic?

You practice the three disciplines and the four virtues.

The Three Disciplines

The Discipline of Perception.

Control how you see events. Separate the facts from your judgement about those facts. I like to illustrate this with the Buddhist Parable of the Second Arrow.  

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. You cannot avoid feeling the pain of something that you did not desire, but you get to decide how you react to it.  You separate the cold, objective facts from your judgement about it. 

The Discipline of Action

Focus your energy only on what you can change. Act with justice, kindness, and public service.  The past is past, cannot be changed, there is no point in living in the past. Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, worrying about something that hasn't happened yet is unnecessary suffering. 

This doesn't mean don't learn anything from the past, or don't plan ahead for the future. It means that there is no point beating yourself up for something that's already in the past, and getting anxious about things that may or may not happen is a waste of mental energy. 

The Discipline of Will (or Desire)

Accept fate with grace, master your inner desires and find peace with what happens outside your control.

When an unexpected obstacle disrupts your plans, you say to yourself "This is exactly what I needed to grow" Use the setback as an opportunity to practice, patience, resilience and creativity. 

The Four Cardinal Stoic Virtues

Wisdom

Knowing what is good, what is bad, and what is indifferent. Focusing only on things you can control. 

Courage

Facing fear, danger, and hardship with strength, enduring pain or difficult tasks without complaint. Standing up for what is right despite personal risk. 

Justice

Treating all people fairly and with moral integrity. Working for the common good and helping your community. Act with kindness and refusing to harm others. 

Temperance

Practicing self-control and moderation in all things. Mastering your desires and avoiding extremes. Keeping a balance between work, rest and pleasure. 

Applying Stoicism via Exercises

(source: this Daily Stoic article)

Reflection

A view from Above

Contemplation of the Ideal Man (or Woman)

Philanthropy

Self-Retreat

Journal

Self-Control