New Me, same old me.

(warning: This content was 100% Human written, if too much realness is bad for you, do not read) 

 I have worn many different hats, different roles, I have lived many lives. I was once a child in Venezuela, a person. Then I was an immigrant in South Florida, in my new country I learned to view myself as an other, I was "different" Now I was a "Latino", "Hispanic" before then I never thought about my identity based on my culture, but then I learned about what that meant, that I was not "white". Then at 18 I did not just join the Marine Corp, I became a Marine, there's a difference. Later on I became a "war veteran" and to the Federal government I was a "disabled veteran" thanks to PTSD and loud explosions aimed at ending my life.  

All my life, for as long as I can remember I just knew that I wanted to be a father and a husband. I don't remember ever deciding, it was sort of the thing you were supposed to do, grow up, get an education, get married, have kids, those kids then will go and do the same as the parents, they will also grow up, learn a profession and also get married and have kids. Never questioned it, it's how it is.

In 2002 I became a husband, less than six months before putting my boots in the Iraqi soil and taking part in an American history fiasco. In 2005 my wife made me a father to Jolyne, then in 2007 again, a father to Gaby. 

This year I will no longer be a husband. Martha and I are splitting up. 

All my life I used to think that if you were married it meant you were successful and, if you were divorced, something was broken, you were unlovable or had a dysfunction. Divorcees were losers, not good, married people, they got their shit together. 

Now I know, that those two things happiness and marriage don't always go together. Martha and I were struggling for a while, but we both really wanted things to work, we tried to stay together, we really did. At the end it did not work out. Ending it is what we both want, we both agree that going our separate ways is the best for everyone. 

There were many happy moments, in fact I'm willing to say that if you were to count the minutes we were married I'm willing to bet more than 90% of those were happy times at least not miserable. I should not be speaking for Martha on that assessment but I want to believe she'd agree. 

But we had our issues and we were not able to resolve it. I take ownership of triggering the end of the marriage, but at the end she had the last word and I respect that. 

Going forward, I am going to spend all the energy I had invested in trying to salvage the relationship back to me, I thought that if I made my wife happy then I would be happy, now I know that's a mistake. I am now focused on making myself happy, with the understanding that nobody can do that for me, but me. 

I no longer think that I have to be in a relationship to be happy, I used to have this deep fear of loneliness and dying alone and all of that. Today that's not a fear I have, I look forward to being my own person again and forging my own path, I am going to do whatever I like to do because I want to and because I like it, only. I'm no longer going to do anything in order for somebody else to like me or approve of me, because I realized that wanting approval, love, affection validation from other people without approving, loving and validating yourself first is a recipe for toxic relationships. 

As far as roles, hats and shoes, I will always be a father, with my own repertoire of dad jokes, infinite unconditional love for my girls, and my full presence, they are my first priority always. Thankfully, they are both well-adjusted adults. I want to believe we did a good job in raising two amazing human beings, Kudos to Martha for fiercely protecting our girls from potential threats and bad situations. I'd like to think we set a good example in that front. 

In the near future I am going to be focused on healing, grieving the loss, owning my mistakes, and then finding my way, my plan is to live well, to find happiness, meaning and purpose not on external things or achievements but in how I am engaged in the moment. 

I really like my profession, my career as a software engineer has been rewarding (emotionally and financially) but that's not all that I am. Yes, I am a brown immigrant from a hispanic country to my fellow Americans of the caucasian kind, but that's just a fraction of who I am, same goes for being a Marine, a grunt that can still fire every weapon in the NATO arsenal and can still run 5 miles without collapsing. The infantry grunt is still there but it's also a fraction of who I am, the war in Iraq made it so that I cannot forget that phase in my life, but again, that's not all there is to being me. 

I've been thinking about that, what is my purpose, how do I give meaning to my life? 

I can tell you a couple of things, being a father comes easy to me, reading books happens almost automatically, it's like, what I do by default? lol. I love baseball, I stopped following it every day because I was busy, busy with work, school, kids and as of late, doing everything I could to make my marriage work. Now that I have more free time, my love for baseball resurfaced, it wasn't buried too deep. I like to run and work out, I might be a bit more intentional and systematic in my personal fitness, after all, I will be 50 years old in less than 3 years so I want to live healthy so I can enjoy my time left walking this earth. Those who know me might be surprised to learn that I have a deep, wide love and appreciation for music. I want to go back to playing the piano/keyboard, maybe even play for audiences in a band somewhere. I've always wanted to learn how to dance, I've always been stiff, with no rhythm, my dancing is so bad, my latino card was almost revoked. I've always had an issue with that, and I want to do it, I know I can do it, when I was a high school freshman I was the nerdiest, skinniest, clumsy 14 year old in my high school, and someone made a remark about how "I could never make the baseball team" I set out a goal to try out for the high school baseball team and make the cut, and I did, same goes for USMC boot camp, undergraduate degree in engineering while working full time with no support from my parent, just Martha and me. Same for grad school, worked full time and went to school after work every night until I dropped dead tired on top my laptop and notes and cups of coffee. I know I can do hard things, so yes, I can learn to dance salsa, merengue and bachata to the beat. 

But here's the thing, the real me, my life's purpose.

I've known I wanted to be a writer since I was an early teenager, Stephen King, Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Ann Frank writing her diary from an Attic in Holland all gave me not, the inspiration, but the knowledge, the certainty that I am one of them, not as talented, prolific or successful, but I honestly don't care about any of that. I have enough money to live with all my needs met, I don't really care that much what other people think about me, I am going to write for me and only me at first. If I write something worth sharing, I'll share it with the world but that's not the point, the point is that I HAVE to write, if don't write, I will burst. I am not afraid of dying alone, I am not afraid of nobody loving me or whatever. My fear is that I will die without saying what I have to say, without finding my voice. That would be the real tragedy. 

So today I say, I am a writer, but I have not been writing, so I have work to do. 

My Review of "Half His Age" by Jennette McCurdy on Goodreads

Half His Age by Jennette McCurdy
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Is this book good or bad? It’s fucking good, okay?

Are you, the person reading this review, going to like it? Maybe. Maybe not.

Does it have gross, gratuitous, graphic content? Yes, it does. If that’s a problem for you, don’t read it. Are your pearls easily clutched? Then move along.

I’m not going to comment on the literary merits or debate what was too much or too little; other reviews here already do that very well. What I will say is that, for me, as a man, reading this book was quite an experience. I wanted to understand the main character, and I could clearly see how pathetic, manipulative, and abusive the man was. Still, it was hard to put this book down.

I honestly feel a little guilty about how quickly I read it. I saw it at a bookstore, got hooked, found out who the author was, and then tore through it in just a few days.

I see this as a coming-of-age story. I also see it as a feminist story told through the perspective of a flawed, imperfectly likable character.

And yes, I liked the gross stuff. Don’t judge me. (Honestly, the graphic content isn’t even that bad.)

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My Review of Japanese Gothic by Kylie Lee Baker

Japanese Gothic by Kylie Lee Baker
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

There’s a little house hidden among the ferns somewhere in southern Japan. Don’t go there.

This is a good book. Just read it and don’t worry too much about reviews or what other people say. If you enjoy a good story with Japanese gothic vibes, give it a try.

I added this book to my reading list after I read Bat Eater and Other Names for Cora Zeng, though the pacing and structure couldn’t be more different. Japanese Gothic takes a bit longer to get going, and it took me a while to realize I was dealing with unreliable narrator(s).

It’s hard to pin this book down to a single genre: mystery, horror, gothic? (Whatever that means. I’m still not entirely sure what makes a novel “gothic” rather than just plain horror. I googled it, but I’m still not 100% convinced.)

I got completely lost in this maze of a book. There are so many themes to explore, along with plenty of emotional depth. I don’t want to spoil too much, but I’ll say I was pleasantly surprised. I’m not sure what I expected, maybe the equivalent of Mexican Gothic set in Japan, or something closer to What Moves the Dead. Instead, it gave me more Cloud Atlas vibes.

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My Review of "Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead" by Olga Tokarczuk

Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead by Olga Tokarczuk
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I really enjoyed this book.

Janina is an older woman living in a remote part of Poland, near the Czech border. That border theme shows up often in the story, which made me wonder if it’s tied to Poland’s history, especially around World War II. In any case, people in the area start turning up dead and it almost seems like the animals might be responsible.

The book pushed me to confront something deeply uncomfortable: how humans treat animals. I remember touching on this in a philosophy course in college the idea that we don’t really have a consistent moral framework to justify our relationship with animals. We exploit them, consume them, and kill them, sometimes for reasons we can defend, but often without much justification at all.

What I appreciated most is how the book balances weight and humor. It’s thoughtful and unsettling, but also genuinely funny in places I found myself laughing out loud more than once. I also got the sense that the translation must have been challenging. There are a lot of wordplays and linguistic nuances that don’t always carry over cleanly from Polish to English. As someone who’s dealt with translation, that felt very relatable.

The tone is difficult to pin down. I’ve seen it described as “mythical,” and that feels close, but to me it also reads as surreal and a bit gothic. The pacing is strange in a good way it feels both slow and fast at the same time.

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"Ahora me rindo y eso es todo" Novela de Alvaro Enrique

Ahora me rindo y eso es todo by Álvaro Enrigue
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Una de Vaqueros, pero original.

Si me gusto, muchísimo. La edición en ingles acaba de salir, pero por suerte la biblioteca tenía la version original en español. Es una de vaqueros, pero el cuento te lo narran de una manera uníca,

El libro logro pasar my prueba de buen libro. Cuando leo algo que me hace ver una nueva perspectiva, conocer de algo nuevo o mirar algo familiar de otra manera. El mito Americano del viejo oeste, de los indios y vaqueros se expone de una nueva forma.

No se como clasificar el libro si de fición o no. El autor se mete a comentar a menudo, el pape es de narrador y protagonista a la misma vez. El cuento esta basado en personal que si vivieron y se centra en la capitulación y rendida de Geronimo el jefe de los Apaches a el ejercito estado unidense en 1886. Aunque el tema es Geronimo el cuento se trata de una señora llamada Camila que fue atrapada por lo apeches en una redada brutal y de la misión de rescate al mando de el teniente coronel Zuloaga y sus escualidos representado todos las clases de mexicanos que vivían en Sonora en ese entonces.

Las conclusiones y los comentarios de autor son muy importantes y la verdad yo quisiera que todos los gringos leyeran la version en ingles. Pero se que la gente que mas necesita leer este libro no lo hará.

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List of Books that Made Me a Feminist

I used to think I was “one of the good ones.” I believed I understood feminism and gender equality well enough. But over time, I realized there were a lot of assumptions I had never really challenged. These books and pieces of media pushed me to rethink those beliefs and better understand the ways men, often unintentionally, contribute to systems that harm women.

This isn’t a definitive list of feminist books. It’s my personal list. These are the works that made me pause, question myself, and see things differently.

I’ve roughly ordered them by how directly they engage with feminist ideas, starting with the most explicit.

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1. We Should All Be Feminists
This was one of the clearest introductions to feminism I’ve read. It breaks down what feminism actually means in a straightforward and persuasive way. It helped me realize how many everyday assumptions I had absorbed without questioning.

2. Men Explain Things to Me
This book put language to dynamics I had seen but never fully understood. It digs into how women are dismissed or talked over, and how that connects to broader systems of inequality.

3. Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men
This one changed how I think about systems. It shows how data and design often ignore women, leading to real-world consequences. It made me realize bias is often baked into structures, not just individual behavior.

4. Revolting Prostitutes: The Fight for Sex Workers’ Rights
This book challenged a lot of my assumptions about sex work. It approaches the topic through labor rights and autonomy, forcing me to reconsider simplistic or moralistic views.

5. Ejaculate Responsibly
This flips the usual conversation about reproductive responsibility. Instead of focusing on women, it places responsibility on men. It’s a perspective shift that felt obvious in hindsight but was new to me.

6. Women Don’t Owe You Pretty
This is a more modern, direct take on rejecting male validation. It made me reflect on how often expectations around appearance are imposed on women.

7. Transgender History
This expanded my understanding of gender beyond a binary framework. It made it clear that feminism has to include trans perspectives to be complete.

8. The Secret History of Wonder Woman
This connects early feminist movements to pop culture in a way I didn’t expect. It made me realize how ideas about gender get embedded in media.

9. The Vagina: A Literary and Cultural History
This book explores how something as fundamental as anatomy is shaped by culture, stigma, and control. It’s a reminder of how deep these narratives go.

10. Come As You Are
This reframes female sexuality through science. It challenged a lot of myths I didn’t even realize I believed.

11. Mating in Captivity
This looks at relationships, desire, and long-term intimacy. It’s not strictly feminist, but it raises important questions about autonomy and expectations in relationships.

12. Butts: A Backstory
This one surprised me. It traces how cultural obsessions with women’s bodies develop and what they say about power and control.

13. Tits Up
This book examines how different industries interact with and shape perceptions of the breast. It highlights how something natural becomes commodified.

14. Kindred
This novel blends race and gender in a way that makes both impossible to ignore. It made me think more deeply about how different systems of power intersect.

15. Bright Young Women
This story shifts the focus away from perpetrators and toward the women affected by violence. It challenges how these stories are usually told.

16. Bad Behavior
These stories explore uncomfortable dynamics around sex, power, and relationships. They forced me to sit with perspectives I might otherwise avoid.

17. Ripe
This is more of a critique of tech culture and capitalism, but through a woman’s experience. It highlights how these environments can be uniquely hostile.

18. All Fours
This book explores identity, desire, and reinvention. It made me think about how women’s lives are often expected to follow certain scripts.

19. When Women Were Dragons
At first glance it’s fantastical, but it reads like a metaphor for suppressed anger and autonomy. It made me reflect on how society reacts when women step outside expectations.

20. Belle de Jour: Diary of an Unlikely Call Girl
This memoir touches on agency and stigma. It doesn’t present easy answers, which is part of what makes it interesting.

21. What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Blacker
This book is primarily about race and identity, but it intersects with gender in meaningful ways. It helped me think more broadly about overlapping systems of power.

My StoryGraph Wrap Up from 2025

https://app.thestorygraph.com/wrap-up/2025/josevillalta

Un Lugar Soleado para gente Sombria de Mariana Enriquez

Un lugar soleado para gente sombría by Mariana Enriquez
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Decidí leer este libro cuando vi la version en Ingles en una libreria grande y famosa en Seattle de paso que había estado leyendo libros de horror en español de escritoras Argentinas (Cadaver Exquisito y El Buen Mal) así que me meti en el mundo de Mariana Enriquez para expandir mis horizontes literarios.
No tengo nada de que quejarme, la verdad me gustaron los cuentos y los recomiendo para todos lo que lo estén pensando.

Y entonces, porque tres y no cinco estrellas?

Es que yo clasifico las historias de terror/horror en dos categorias: El enemigo interno versus externo. Creo que cuentos con el enemigo externo es lo mas comun que hay; son los fantasmas, monstruos, etc.
Cuando el enemigo es algo psicologico, me parece mas inescapable y mas interesante. Los cuentos de este libro son de la categoría externa, y yo simplemente prefiero la otra clase de terror.

De todas maneras me gusto muchísimo y de paso me compre la Novela Nuestra parte de noche"Nuestra Parte De Noche"

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