Update

 Today I'm feeling grateful. I've had so many people, so many people, friends from the Marines, cousins, people from school, work, Florida, my dear sister, my close friends (you know who you are) so many of you who've shown me love and support through these times I am so thankful for you, just know that you mean a lot to me. If I consider you a friend you must know that I have respect, love and appreciation for you. 

I have been doing the work to get better. I am going to therapy, journaling, meditating and reflecting. I am grieving and processing, I'm also more present in my day to day and I have learned to get joy from living in the moment. I am getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well and making new friends. I already have all I need to be happy, and yet I know things will get even better in the future. 

I have promised myself that I will never make my happiness and emotional state dependent on anyone else’s behavior or emotional state. I alone am responsible for my own happiness and my own life and my own emotions.

I feel well, but I don't think I'm fully me just yet. The authentic, real me is unstoppable, ambitious, ready to take on the whole world. Right now I'm healing, licking my wounds, recovering. But I will be back 100% I'm sure about that.

You get to choose who you want to be

“Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become the next moment. By the same token, every human being has the freedom to change at any instant.”
― Viktor Emil Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning


The ultimate freedom we have is that of choice. We get to pick how to react to any circumstance,  you get to pick at any moment, regardless of your past, how you want to be, how you want to act now, today at this very moment. 

I am choosing love.

I choose love over anger because it's in my best interest.  

I choose love over anger because love allows me to let go and move on. 

I choose me. 

I choose peace.

I choose compassion.

I choose acceptance with serenity, dignity and grace. 

I choose to love, to forgive and to live a life of purpose and meaning. 

I choose to keep going despite mistakes and setbacks. 

I choose to let go of the things that hold me back. 

I choose gratitude

Why should I choose kindness, love and compassion instead of being angry? Because it is in my best interest, because the best life for me is one in which I'm living a life in which I listen to what my conscience commands me to do and I carry it out to the best of my knowledge.

What does my conscience tell me? To stop the cycle of hurt, to dedicate my life to making the world a little better starting with me. I have not been good to myself, my inner critic always telling me the ways I fall short of my values. I am working on that and I am making good progress. I don't always succeed but the measure is how you react after you've fallen, do you stay in the mud or do you get up and keep going. 

Anyway. 

I am doing well, I have good days, I have awesome amazing days, and sometimes I have bad moments. Those moments are getting less intense and less frequent, but I'm still grieving, I'm making sure I'm doing it in a healthy way. I wish there was a fast-forward button to speed things up, but recovery is a process not an event. 

I am getting help with my emotional recovery, I have met people who have been in my position before and that are there for me all the time, they are helping me stay accountable for my actions and giving me support and encouragement.