One Month

 I am not going to lie, divorce is hard even when you know it's the best thing for everyone, it still hurts and it's difficult. 

My main goals are to 

- Take Care of Myself

- Work out the Grief

- Dealing with Challenges

Funny that for people who experienced trauma in their childhood a breakup brings out those unresolved memories. I dealt with stuff no child should have ever dealt with, and I thought I had moved past that, learned my lessons and made peace with my childhood trauma, I think that 10% of my pain is from the divorce and 90% of the pain is unacknowledged abuse and abandonment I experienced as a child. 

The good thing is that I am resolved to properly heal and that I am not doing this alone, I have reached out to all my people to help me get through this. I am naturally very impatient and I use that to my advantage for most situations, however, there is no shortcut for healing, so I will have to be patient and trust the process. I am willing to do the work and I have decided to make this the perfect chance to start a new life in which I let go of my previous patterns of dysfunction. 

I am taking care of myself by exercising every single day, cutting out alcohol and junk food. I have eliminated as many bad habits as I can think of, I am eliminating all negativity from my life, anything that doesn't help me, I'm purging it out. I know the things I want to be doing long term, but first I need to take care of so many different things, first of which is making sure I'm getting my work done, I need this job, next is arranging living by myself, this is something that I've never really done. 

I remember that I was single with no girlfriend (or wife) from 20 years old to 22 years old while I was in the Marine Corps. I do remember that for the most part I was happy on my own, except Sundays, I remember I tried going to church in NC to make myself feel like I felt when I was home. 

I am going to learn how to have my best possible life, I choose to be happy, I choose gratitude, I choose to enjoy life no matter what happens. 

Grief

I am working on learning how to grieve and let go in a way that's healthy and lasting. My marriage had many happy moments but it's no more. I am at peace with it, and I am moving on. However, the heart doesn't work like that, you can't just flip a switch and forget the last 25 years of your life, it's a process and I admit I have to get help for that, that's why I am studying this like it's a college assignment and I am talking to a therapist and I am leaning on my support system, because I am determined to do this correctly, since my life depends on it, literally. 

Challenges

It's not easy, but I feel confident I can get through all the stuff, however there are days where everything comes at once and it's overwhelming. I am working on getting the tools to help me through that. 

The goal is to turn this into the best thing that has ever happened to my life. I get to decide what this means for me. I lived for too long being afraid of not being in a relationship, doing things to please others and denying myself the things I wanted for me. So I am done living like that. I am going to live my best life and I am going to become the best version of myself. 

Anyway, that's it for today. 

Ah, one last thing, I've decided that I am going to keep writing, I will answer my calling, I just know I can create stories worth sharing, but I have to do things in the right order, I need to focus on my well-being and taking care of the logistics of my new life first, but I haven't stopped writing, it soothes me, I heals and I think my humble contributions might be worth sharing with the world someday. Inspired by Gabo and SK, I want to make tales to entertain you, my dear reader. 

-JV