Excerpt from my war journal: Self-discovery, meditation and reflection in the desert

Like I said earlier, I was going through my journal and I found things in there that I think it's TMI for the whole world to see. Not that many people are reading anyway, I do get a few dozen readers per post, I don't know who exactly is reading, but to the 400+ people who read my posts, thanks? Just know that I write here just for myself. 

 There is one entry in my journal that really moved me. It feels weird to talk about my deepest thoughts about myself in this way out in the internet, but the truth is that even though many people I meet seem impressed with all the things I've accomplished in my life, deep down, I am not impressed with myself at all. I am very, very harsh on me internally. I have impossibly high standards that I work really hard to meet, but for whatever reason I always feel like an imposter like I'm not good enough. I'm lucky that the people around me support me and love me unconditionally becuase internally I am always critizing myself, I think it's good to always grow and improve but every once in a while it's good to be kind to yourself, it's good to forgive yourself for your mistakes and maybe it's good to say something positive about yourself once in a while. I believe in personal growth and improving but sometimes it's okay to just BE. 

 This is why when I read this entry for a change I felt pleased with myself because 24 year old me was thinking about the rigtht things and doing good deeds during a difficult situation. So I want to be kind to myself and nice to myself and congratulate it, and share it. 

 The context: This entry is dated May 5 2003, my unit was in an airfield in the middle of the desert in the country of Jordan about 70 Kms from the border with Iraq. We had spent the war essentially being security for a airport runway in the middle of nowhere. There were things I remember but didn't write down in my journal, about seeing the special forces dudes drive off to Iraq to do covert missions long before the war officially started, about volunteering to help unload casualties from the helicopters in the middle of the night. Anyway one night after dinner chow we learned that we were getting orders to "go forward" meaning, we're going to Iraq. 

I remmeber that the only thing that mattered for me was making a phone call to let my wife know that I was going forward, because I knew that meant that she will definetly not hear from me in a while, there were no phones or infrastructure back then, obviously. I also knew in the back of my head, perhaps that would be the last time I ever talk to her? I couldn't admit it to myself then, but I knew that was a possibility and I really needed to hear her voice one last time. Unfortunately, I could not reach her, there was a limited amount of public phones on the base, they were turned off most of the time, there was always a line to use them and when I finally got my turn the phone was ringing and going straight to voice mail. I was mortified, frustrated, and desperate. I kept trying and trying until I finally got to talk to Martha. 

 Then, in typical military hurry-up-and-wait fashion, we waited and waited for the C-130's to fly us in. It took days to get the whole battalion to Bagdhad. We were separated and split into groups of 8, 24 or 60 people, I don't remember how many nights I spent in the runway waiting for a bird to take us in, I think we got word on a Sunday night and I got on a flight on Thursday morning, but I'm not sure. I do know that knowing you were going to a combat zone makes you see things differently, I was thinking about my identity, like, what makes me, me? In the context of the carnage going on, I knew that some of us were going to die, what does the loss of a human life in this way mean to the world? I'm just one more out of millions I thought, from my point of view I'm the most important character in the movie of my life, but in reality, what difference does that make in the history of the world? Very existential shit, for an infantry soldier about to fly to war. 

 So I want to share the pure, raw, most-inner thoughts of a young soldier scared for his life. 

 

 May 5 Jordan 

 Monday, 

Yesterday, right before dinner chow word got passed that we're leaving the next day at 06:00 to go forward to IRAQ. We immediatly began to pack. I was tired because the night before I tried to call home. I was tired 

 from doing the detail[1], but I wanted to talk to her, So I went from 12:00 to 3:00 AM, I only got my cell's answering machine.[2] So the next morning Pierce let me use his cell phone. I went to the MWR[3] tent and I called her. I got to say I was worried about the cell phone situation, after we got word that we were leaving I went to call, actually, Sgt Knight lent me his phone but I couldn't reach her, I called my parents instead, I talked to Mom, it was her birthday, so she was happy to hear from me, and I was too, but still, my wife was lingering in my mind, at one in the morning I asked Sgt Knight again this time I called Karol's cell[4], Martha answered the phone, she was really glad to hear from me, but as soon 

 

 as I told her that I was going (to Iraq) she started to cry, that really breaks my heart, now I feel bad cuz I left Martha all sad. But I really wanted her to hear it from me. Damn, I really miss her. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. I trust her, but I don't like being apart from for so long it's going to take some work to get our lives together. I really can't wait to be with her again.

          Later. 

 

Well, it looks like we are not leaving just yet. I am sitting here bored, I was reading Imagica[5] it's almost ten P.M. but I'm not sleepy, actually I was doing what I do a lot, thinking, reminiscing of different days and situations,

 I'm listening to Projecto Uno and I was thinking about my drives from Florida to North Carolina where I would play this CD in my Cavalier so I would stay awake, I was thinking about all the situations in which I can't help, in which I'm stuck and only time can fix, and showhow after it's all done I always look back on them, it never feels looks that bad after it's over. I feel a lot of nostalgia towards my past. I miss the States. but why? besides the obvious, my wife and my goals. I miss my freedom. But come to think of it I am free here. When I get back I won't have the time to ponder about life like I do now. The way I did on those long drives back from Florida to North Carolina. 

So I was wondering. What am I about? What do I stand for? What defines me? Who am I? I can say what I am. I am 24 years old, Venezuelan born American citizen. Sergeant, Florida National Guard. Mortarman. I am an American soldier in the Middle East. I am a newly wed absent husband. I am a computer Engineering Student at Florida Atlantic University. I am a teller at Bank Atlantic. I am part of a Christian family[6] I am bilingual, What have I done? let's see. I am a high school graduate. I was commanded the Honor Guard[7] at Boyd Anderson H.S. I joined the Marine Corps after H.S. I graduated #1 out of Corporal's Course. I was had my own Mortar section

 

at age 19. [8] I help my parents whenever I can can. I have a 3.76 GPA in FAU out of 20 classes I have one B, one B+ one C and a C+[9] the rest were A's. I am married. But who Am I? By that I mean what do I believe in? What do I stand for? what is he meaning of my existence? That's really hard for me to see. I believe in doing the right thing, whatever that is. That's the problem, I do not know what is the right thing to do.  In the most basic thing I think taking care of my own. Taking care of Martha and my family, be their provider and mentor. I want to be a good example to my children, I want to father people who will make history, who contribute to humanity in a positive way, I want to 

       reach wisdom, to learn something about life and human nature everyday. I believe that you reap what you sow. I believe that you get out of life what you put into it. but also life is about the journey, not the destination to me life is like a trip, you have to learn a few things along the way in order to make your ride more comfortable. but you can't get lost in the details. Also I really believe that life is the ultimate gift a human is capable of providing I was given life and I want to return the favor. But I can't begin to explain what the hell life is about. There are so many things going on. So many Questions without Answers. I guess people make up their own answers to the Same Questions 

I am not different, but I want to define myself. I want to be able to say who is Jose Ali Villalta P? The best answer I can give right now I am a man who is curious about the world. I remember that as a Kid I lived in constant awe about the most mundane things. I used to daydream a lot. But I used to wonder about stuff that left any impression on me. Wars, flying planes. Science-fiction all those things interested me. History still does. What can we learn from our past? I am curious about everything. I wan to see the world and know its people. I want knowledge. I want to understand. That's who I am. a wonderer, a curious kid. 

----

This, I wrote, waiting to go to combat. Thinking if I die will it mean something? Wondering who the hell is this person writing these words. 

 well, I think that 24-year-old-me got it right. That's who I am.  I am just a curious kid, I feel energized when I learn something new, I feel a spark of joy when something that I didn't understand suddenly makes sense. That's who I am at the core, I am a scientist and philosopher at heart. My schooling might be in engineering, but my heart is with those who wonder, those who explore.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I really enjoyed re-reading and sharing this entry. I know I must sound corny or whatever, but I really don't care. I speak my truth here with no shame whatsoever. 

 J.V.

Seattle. 

Notes: 

 1. detail is ARMY jargon for a performing a particular task. In this case I remember we were guarding fuel reserves, jet fuel if I remember correctly. 

 2. I guess the term voice mail was invented yet? 

 3. MWR: Morale Welfare and Recreation, the hangout lounge for troops on a break. 

 4. My mother in law 

 5. Some fantasy novel

 6. I declared myself an atheist officially in 2007, but I already had my doubts at this point

 7. JROTC 

 8. Mortars section leader as a teenager (in charge of 10 people) is not too bad, but not uncommon in the Marines...if you know what you are doing. 

 9. Freaking Calculus and Differential Equations wrecked my perfect 4.0 lol Have not checked my math here, I tend to lie about my GPA, even to myself apparently.