My review of "The State of Affairs" on Goodreads

The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Esther Perel is the author of the best-seller "Mating in Captivity" about rekindling intimacy in long-term marriages. She is a therapist (a good one) with decades of experience across multiple cultures and different couples including same sex couples and polyamorous...groups? triads? anyway she's good and she knows what she is talking about from working with tons of people over the years.

This book covers the topic of Infidelity which is a hot topic that elicits strong reactions, it's after all the only sin that's twice in the ten commandments once for doing it and once for just thinking about it. it's considered the ultimate deal breaker that no marriage ever comes back from. Yet, people still cheat, like, all the time and relationships do come back from it, though often they don't and it's never the same after the revelation.

The book does an excellent job of exploring this contentious and misunderstood topic from all the angles. The chapter about the definition of cheating was thought provoking. If I have a friend at work "work wife" is it cheating if I don't have romantic feelings? What about watching porn? what if it was just sex? what if there was never any sex? There are a ton of scenarios that I had never thought about, the answer, like many things in life, depends on the person and the couple.

There are insightful chapters about the meanings and motives for cheating, it dispelled a lot of myths for me "people in happy marriages never have affairs" or "if you cheat is because there's something wrong with you or something wrong with your marriage" I mean, sometimes that's the case, there are people with narcissistic personality disorder who just don't care about other people's feelings and think the rules don't apply to them and there are times when an affair signifies the beginning of the end of a marriage. However there are times when affairs just happen, and they happen for reasons that are surprising, self-exploration, antidote to deadness, rekindling passions that were lost due to paradoxically the stability and the safety of a marriage. It turns out that safety and intimate knowledge curbs desire over the years. Other people cheat to explore the lives they never lived, etc, etc...fascinating stuff

There is a very interesting chapter dedicated to the other woman. Society does not look kindly on them, there are labels like "home-wrecker" the "mistress", "man snatcher" and worse, it's funny that it's always a woman, you never hear single dudes that have an affair with a married woman referred to as a "woman snatcher" that speaks to the gender roles we still cling to even though society and relationships have changed since the days when women had to endure infidelity from their husband because economically they had no choice but to stay at home and be a mother.

The chapter on the other woman explained affairs from their point of view, their concerns and feelings and it makes them feel heard, I wish it had an explanation about why? what makes a young attractive woman with many choices choose an older, married guy? Is it that we humans just lust after what we can't have? we're emotional machines that think after all. But surely, there has to be more to it. Perfectly smart people make crazy choices I guess. Who knows

There is another section in there about how to recover, the different ways that couples can move forward after the revelation, sadly some marriages cannot recover and well, that made me sad to read.

I liked the depth and breath of the book, I liked that it made me learn and see things from a different perspective. I carry my own baggage because my father had an affair that totally affected everything in our lives. I liked that the author clearly knows what she is talking about.

I didn't like the fact that there are no prescriptions in this book, if you are looking for a self-help book or something like that, seek counseling because you won't find answers here. I wish there were more examples in the book but it turns out the author has a podcast called "Where do we start" that is just that, couples come in and talk about their issues.

Overall, I liked this book as a way to understand a complex subject. Is it for everyone? Maybe, maybe not. For me it was super interesting.


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