My Review of "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel on Goodreads

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Esther Perel, the world renowned relationship and sex guru writes a book that describes the how and they why the flames of passion dim down in stable, long-term relationships.
The book draws from years of experience as a therapist as well as extensive scientific research to educate the reader on the psychological blueprints of marriage and desire. It turns out that there is a paradox, or dilemma between Love and Desire. Love seeks closeness, safety, security. Desire needs distance, mystery and a sense of danger. This dual nature of our psyche explains why couples that start out with an active sex life end up not having sex as often as they used to. Well, that and other reasons, some parents replace their lovers with their children, other couples have issues going back to when they were children. "Tell me how you were loved and I'll tell you how you make love" was a fascinating chapter. It also provides some advice but this does not feel like a self-help book with tips and recipes, like "do this and you will start having more sex" no, it's not like that, this explains how desire comes and what makes desire go away. I would say it's common sense, but it's not, one of the points of the book is that a lot of people have this mindset that relationships and intimacy should be a natural instinct instead of something you can work on to improve.

Personally I really enjoyed this book as a way to understand myself and my 20-year long marriage better. Some things I already learned the hard way, by experience, others I learned from reading a while back, but this book offers new perspectives and gives me the knowledge and tool to make my marriage stronger.

I recommend this for all you who interested in improving your marriage, but it's no substitute for actually getting help if you think your marriage is in trouble.


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