This is a post that I've been meaning to write for a long time. This morning I was thinking about it and deleted everything and started again from scratch. Why? Well because I was writing in a tone of self-congratulatory hubris where if only you love your child so much then everything will always be okay. Of course, you should love your child unconditionally but the act of growing and learning to be a parent never stops. I would love to believe that I know what I'm doing and what I'm talking about when it comes to transgender issues, but the fact is. I do not. I'm still learning how to do this thing.
Here's what I know: My child did not choose to be this way, this was not caused by some event or something in the way she was nurtured. I'm pretty sure she was born this way. Here's how I feel: If I had the power to change anything I wouldn't change my trans daughter, I would change the way society treats trans-people. There's nothing wrong with her, she's fine, it's US the ones that are not okay.
Being a father was one of the most transformative events in my life, I actually started this blog as a response to finding out my wife was pregnant, so this blog is just a little older than Jolyne. I remember how I scared I was. I also know that being a good dad has always been something that I wanted to do well. Being a bad dad is one of the regrets I don't want to have.
Jolyne was at the hospital a lot, not because she was a sickly child (although she had jaundice, asthma and fevers all before she turned 6 months) but because as clueless first parents we didn't know better and would go to the doctor's office anytime we were worried. Hundreds of dollars and hours waiting outside doctor's office we figured out that you don't have to take your child in every time there's a fever.
Jolyne had to have speech therapy from early age. When she was four nobody could understand what she was saying. I took her to so many different types of doctors it was unbelievable. It was around this time I made one of mistakes that I still regret. We stopped speaking Spanish at our home. Jolyne's first words and first language was Spanish but after I took her for testing people at the doctor's office made me feel like it was my fault for "confusing" my child with two different languages. That turned out to be BS and I ended up with children that can't speak Spanish. (yet)
Jolyne was not an easy child, but she wasn't the worst. She, like me, always has trouble sleeping. She would do things that I thought were a little weird (didn't like anyone touching their head or hair) but some of them were pretty funny. She would do what I'd call "spontaneous nakedness" where she'd take all her clothes off as soon as she got back from kindergarten and run around naked regardless of who was home at the time.
The Florida school system had her classified as dyslexic because she couldn't read in first grade. She was diagnosed with ADHD when we moved to Seattle. When the doctors gave us the questionnaire to figure out if Joly had ADHD my wife noticed that I have the same exact symptoms, so that's when I got diagnosed too. I just had learned to live with it for most of my life. Up to that point I had always suspected that ADHD was one of those "fake" diseases because there really is no biological test you can take that tells you conclusively whether you have it or not. At this point I'm convinced it's a sleeping disorder with symptoms that affect all aspects of your life. I also felt uncomfortable with giving a child stimulant like Adderall or Ritalin. I had all kinds of objections on moral, and scientific grounds. "If my child's personality is different, which one is the real one?" , "How do you know we HAVE to to give them medication?" thankfully the doctors we've talked to have heard all these questions before. I knew it was real when Joly started catching up in school, the six months right after starting treatment he improved by leaps and bounds.
Then one day when Joly was 12 they told their younger sister "I think I'm a girl"
As an aside, Joly told me about other trans girls that knew they were trans earlier than that ironically because they had parents that enforced gender rules explicitly "boys don't play with dolls" etc. We were never that way with Joly resulting in her not knowing until later.
At first I thought that maybe Joly didn't mean she was trans, I thought that they might be attracted to boys and that's how they expressed it? In any case, we found therapist that specialized in LGBQT because at the same time, there was a change in demeanor, it was like the bright little child we had was dimming their life force. It's hard to describe, you know when you meet a pregnant woman and you say you can tell she's pregnant because she's "glowing"? Well, picture the opposite of that. The therapist kept telling us that our child was actually not depressed, but Joly didn't want to do anything but be in their room playing video games. It was around this time where she hated people taking their picture (she still doesn't like it, but it's getting better) If Joly was not depressed it was pretty close to it. I would describe her demeanor as having no ambition, nothing to live for. Just exist. It was hard to see.
We went to Seattle's gender clinic, and had Joly talk to doctors there, this was during the beginning of the pandemic. As soon as the transition process started, it was the biggest change I had ever seen. Joly went from lethargic to being a full person with drive, dreams and goals. Seeing how happy she is now has been worth it.
I was worried about how my friends and family would react, would they think I'm a bad parent or something? Turns out every single person in my family and friend group has been loving and supportive. Even my right-wing crazy conservative family. I'm very happy about that.
Today she's a beautiful person with her whole life ahead of her. She's doing her thing in her own words she's "slaying" I think that's a good thing.
Her thing now days is film. I mean, she could pick whatever she wants to do with her life I'll still love her the same. She does have a knack for perceiving movies in a way that goes deeper than what most people perceive. Joly sees the technical details as well as the connection of the themes to the Big Picture. She is sensitive to aspects of movies I had never ever considered. I am sure that whatever route she takes it will work out.
These are some movies she made at the Seattle Filmmaking Camp at the MoPop
The Door from Cherry Street Films on Vimeo.
So what's next?
For me I want to learn more and know more about trans people. I've read a couple of books "Transgender History" was good but there's other books I've added to my reading list.
Most importantly I want to help the transgender community secure basic human rights. Transgendered people are not always protected by the law and suffer greater proportion of violence.
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