Hey, thanks for the mention, Dan

If there was only one piece of advice that I wish I had known early in my career as a software dev is that understanding people is more important than undertanding tech, by a long shot.

— Yes Way Jose 👨‍💻 🇺🇸 🇻🇪 (@PhilosoGeekDad) June 5, 2021

So my buddy Dan quoted my tweet yesterday in his blog post go check it out! He writes advice for developers that are starting their career journey. Good stuff. 

My Review of "Darkness Visible" by William Styron on GoodReads

Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness by William Styron
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

A lucid, honest and intense memoir about the author's struggles with depression and how close he came to committing suicide. The book is written in first-person perspective and narrated by the author. (I read the audio version)

Overall I am glad I read it, it came recommended from a buddy of mine in the Marine Corps.

The author did the right thing, he recognized he needed help and reached out for help when he was close to doing harm to himself.

There should be no stigma associated with mental health. Everyone can use help sometimes. It does not make you less of a person, in fact, it is a sign of strength to know yourself enough to reach out for help.

View all my reviews

Softball in the cold

It's going to be quite chilly thru Saturday morning, especially in areas with breezy winds. Areas near the foothills of the Cascades will experience wind chills into the single digits to around 0°F. Here's a look at the forecast wind chills. Bundle up if you're headed out! #wawx pic.twitter.com/MRtxiDfdN9

— NWS Seattle (@NWSSeattle) February 23, 2023

 

Gaby has her first softball tournament today in Everett WA. The thing is, it's freaking cold. 24 degrees right now with one inch of snowfall this morning. It's going to be really interesting to see how the girls are going to play 3 games all day out in weather like this. 

Send thoughts and prayers. 

What have I been up to: Feb 2023 edition

Alright, I'm sitting here at a Public Library waiting for Gaby to finish softball practice, today the weather was going to be nice but then a last minute front came in and practice got moved an hour later and to an indoor facility. It's a typical Seattle evening in February. Rainy, 37 degrees last time I checked. I'm tired, I worked from the office today and I don't feel like doing anything productive so I figured I just write here and start rambling about what's fun, work and not fun. 

Fun Stuff

Skiing at Stevens

I go as often as I can. This is one of those things that gets me going into a state of flow, when I was first learning to ski it was scary, stressful and super hard on my knees, but now that I can at least not die it is just fun. 

Staying home

Last weekend I was going to go but since Gaby had stuff to do I stayed home, as a game I told Martha that I will not say no to anything she asked for that day. Needless to say, I did a lot of house chores that day. Yet I managed not to cook any meals. Another game I came up with is the one where I read to Martha the beginning of a book that has been turned into a movie or TV show that we've seen and I try to see if she can figure it out. Faster one was "Gone Girl" because she actually read the book, the one that she didn't get was "Station Eleven" because she didn't really watch the show. 

Home improvements

We put a dog run on the backyard, that was a real good investment, we covered the backyard and the side of the house with artificial turf, now the dogs can go out and not get muddy and the house stays clean. We love it. We're putting wallpaper in the bathrooms, we're going to add a fireplace to the living room and do other miscellaneous things, like adding a drybar area and shelves for my books. 

Modeling Shoot

Yeah, so today at work I did something different than the usual software engineering stuff. I got an email asking for volunteers for models to wear Amazon Web Services apparel for the online catalog and social media. They were looking for "diversity" so since I belong to the Latinos at Amazon Affinity group and because of my great looks (lol) 😂  so I told them I'll do it and they said yeah. It was a lot of fun, there were other "models" there that I met, I met a lady from Florida we bonded over the "yeah, I'll never live there again" and "which part of Florida is more sketch than Piooner Square" you know, typical Floridian in Seattle stuff. 

Work Stuff

Oncall

The last time I was oncall there was an outage that affected my service, and a VIP customer. I got paged so much, and I worked the hardest I've ever worked since I don't know when, The good part is that I got to meet famous people from the company since pretty much everyone was paying attention to this ticket.

No more working from home

Yeah, that was in the news the other day. Working from home is nice but as long as I don't have to commute to Bellevue I'll be okay.  Traffic is going suck, but at least the downtown scene will start thriving again, it was sad to see so many restaurants an businesses close during the pandemic

Big Project

I got asked to lead a big project with people working with me and all of that, it's more responsibility but I look forward to growing my skills.  There are things that come easy to me others take more work, planning, allocating time for multiple tasks organizing information and prioritizing are difficult. 

Not Fun Stuff

Chicha is getting old. 

Chicha turned eleven years old but lately her health is starting to deteriorate, she is the best dog I've ever had and I have a hard time letting go. I can't make the decision, but I know her time is coming. 

Sleep

I have not been sleeping well on and off since last November. I have had to deal with so many complicated situations that at night I just wake up early, like at 3 AM.  It was really bad in December, then January it got a little better but on and off. I've been much better this month but sometimes something triggers the insomnia and it sucks. It sucks the next day when I have to work because I don't have the energy to do normal executive function stuff. I notice that when I'm sleep deprived I'm more likely to get angry or upset or sad, alternatively when I get a good night sleep I'm in such a good mood that people can tell the difference. I am trying everything that I know to address this, but it still happens. I've been like this all my life but I think this is the longest stretch I've had where it happens more often than not. 

Well, that's all I have for now, the Library is about to close so I'm just going to publish without proof-reading. 

-JV

My Review of "Detox Your Thoughts" by Andrea Bonior on GoodReads

Detox Your Thoughts: Quit Negative Self-Talk for Good and Discover the Life You've Always Wanted by Andrea Bonior
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This is a self-help book. I'm usually skeptical but this one had a lot good info.

The book is short, a little over 200 pages with short chapters structured in a simple-to-digest manner. Lots of summaries and bullet points, which I liked.

There are four parts Part I: Your Mind, Part II: Your Moment, Part III: Your Heart and Part IV: Your Future. These are strategies for dealing with corrosive thoughts and feelings. The overall message is that we are not our thoughts, that thoughts and feelings themselves are not bad per se, but it's how we interpret them, how we react to them and act on them that can be toxic. I'd say it's a good read, it's good to know, of course the knowledge here has to be put into practice to be effective.

At first I thought I didn't have much to learn from it since personally I do not beat myself up with negative talk like "I can't do this" or "this is too much" etc, etc. There's no way I could have gotten through the Marines, a war, engineering school talking to myself like that. However, I did gain a few key insights into my psyche that I will take with me:

1. Emotions should not be dismissed or suppressed, they should be examined. When you tune out to your emotions, they come back, with force. Acknowledge your feelings and they will pass on their own.

2. Avoiding discomfort only makes things worse. People will do all kinds of things to avoid facing a tough reality. It's better to face the thing that you want to avoid to stop giving it power over you.

3. The one that hit me was the myth of arrival, people who live from goal to goal trying to achieve because deep down they believe that they have to achieve things in order to be worthy of love. I had to reckon with that one. I was raised to think that way, I absorbed that message and had internalized it.

Overall, it passed the test for good reads. I made me see things a bit differently, I do understand myself a bit better. It taught me to treat myself with the same kindness and compassion as I try to treat others.

Good Read.

View all my reviews

Life is not an Instagram or Facebook account

Is social media more harmful than good? Depends on how you use it. It should be for making connections and not for getting acceptance. 

Acceptance should come from within, if you don't love yourself and accept yourself as you are, just the way you are, with your quirks and imperfections, your past mistakes and regrets, your goals, dreams, values and desires. If you don't have that going for yourself, you're not going to get it from the outside world. Many people have this idealized version of themselves that they want to put online and when that idealized version doesn't match reality it can be harmful. It's no coincidence that studies have shown that social media use has been linked to increase depression, feeling of isolation and self-harm. It can lead to people feeling inadequate about their life or their appearance. It can make people feel lonely and isolated.  I also think that it makes you shallower, cuts your attention span and makes you pay attention to the wrong things, honestly. 

So before you post the next picture online, you must ask yourself, who am I posting it for? what purpose is this serving?  For me I like to post pictures on IG of things that I want to remember about that day, my audience is future me. If people in my life like the pic great, if not, that's okay. 

I used to think I could use Facebook to change people's mind, I just posted a link to the NPR story about Florida's war against trans rights, but I should know better than that, I don't think FB can be used to reach out and change people's minds about stuff like that, most of the time it just preaching to the choir.  What gives me hope is that maybe there's someone out there on the fence about the issue (it's 2023, not sure if that is realistic) and then they see my post and it persuades them. 

Anyway, my take on the whole social media thing is that you can use it for a good purpose and it won't be harmful however keep in mind that the people behind these apps are spending millions of dollars on figuring out how to capture your attention to make a profit. You are the product and if your well-being the price to pay to get you to be on their app they will gladly pay that price for you. 

Anyway, I got to get  to work now.

-JV

In the news: Florida bans gender-affirming care for trans kids

https://www.npr.org/2023/02/20/1157493433/florida-bans-gender-affirming-care-trans-kids

I wish I had the words to properly express how wrong this is.

The playbook is a old as time, politicians targeting vulnerable groups in order to get votes. 

I still hang on to the hope that most people are decent and want to do the right thing, that's why I'm calling on you (whoever is reading this) to please don't let this stand. Fight back against hate and intolerance. 

My review of "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone" by Lori Gottlieb on GoodReads

Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed by Lori Gottlieb
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I enjoyed reading this book, a lot.

Lori Gottlieb, the author, a practicing therapist in LA, writes a moving, funny and witty memory recounting her experience seeing a therapist after a sudden breakup. She has to deal with this crisis while at the same time helping others sort out their own problems. The mental image of a therapist quietly crying at her desk moments before talking to her patient is quite something (sad? hilarious? fascinating? all the above)
The author confides with us the inner stories her patients shared with her (identifying details altered for privacy) the stories are good, they are educational, poignant and engaging. Their stories tell us something about ourselves in a way that make it easy to face because it's presented in a non-threatening way.
The book is powerful because it's honest. The author makes herself totally vulnerable by revealing her insecurities and her issues with the whole world while also explaining that flaws don't make us defective, it makes us human.
I liked that the book is funny and the engaging style keeps the reader turning the pages.

I still had a lot of questions about the stories (how did things turn out with X, Y and Z? ) there is closure for some of them, but not all. I guess that's not the point of the book.

I love it when a book shows me new ways to understand the world, this book does exactly that. The inner world of the human mind is a vast universe that deserves our attention. Good Read.

View all my reviews

My Review of "How to Be a Stoic" by Massimo Pigliucci on GoodReads

How to Be a Stoic: Using Ancient Philosophy to Live a Modern Life by Massimo Pigliucci
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Massimo Pigliucci offers the readers a practical guide to practicing stoicism, an ancient philosophy that has helped people live a good life for centuries. The book provides a concise summary of the tenets of stoicism, a brief history of its origins and a practical explanation on applying the wisdom of the ancient romans and greek stoics.

The book is divided in three parts, "The Discipline of Desire", "The Discipline of Action" and "The Discipline of Assent" What is proper to want and not want, How to Behave in the World and How to React to Situations.

The last chapter has a list of exercises taken from Epictetus’ Enchiridion meant to be practiced daily.

I was exposed to Stoicism in college when I took a class called "Reason and Values" that literally changed my life. I always summarized the teachings as "Focus what you can control, let go of the rest" as well as "Work on your character, nothing else matters" Meaning that to live a good life you must strive to be a virtuous person, and understand what you value and work on that. Nothing else works, if you focus on money you won't ever have enough, if you externalize your happiness (you base your happiness on what others think) then you will always be miserable because you don't control what other people do.

This book was a good review of the Stoic teachings, it offers well-written explanations meant for anyone to pick up and start practicing. I like how the author does not claim that Stoicism is the "one true way" or that this is the "silver bullet" that will solve all people's problems. Rather this is a guide for living your best life by adopting what works and dropping what doesn't. It's a powerful worldview when combined with a scientific approach to understanding the Universe.

The book is too short and leaves out a lot of other stoic works, but for the purpose of being an introductory book, it's perfect.

JV

View all my reviews

Back to part-time teaching at UW

 This semester I started a job part-time as a teaching assistant at UW's Machine Learning Certificate program given by the PCE department. I've been doing that on and off since 2017 (wow, 5 years!) and it's lots of fun. I get to meet a lot of fascinating people, the students come from different academic background and industries there's of course your typical data scientist with the big tech companies, but there's a guy who works as a data scientist for a major league baseball team! there's a lady who studied enology (the science of wine, yes!) there's always some dude that studied physics and math, a healthy amount of students in the bio sciences as well as business analysts folks. All of us have one thing in common, we love stats. 

 I confess that I don't like to grade homework that much, that's like, the least enjoyable part of my job, but I love keeping up to date on this area. It really sucks that classes are Thursday nights because that means I'll miss Trivia night with the wife. I need to find another bar that does trivia a different day, can't just give up on that. 

Anyone interested in learning Machine Learning, there are tons of free courses out there. I really enjoy MIT's ML course but there is no substitute for having discussions with other students, Q&A with a teacher and getting feedback on course assignments. 

One of these days when I have time (lol) I'll write some posts explaining ML concepts, if I ever get to that, I'll put it in my other blog. Don't know when that's going to happen.  I have been swamped with my day job the past couple of weeks, I'm a bit worried about managing my time with this part time job, we'll see how that goes. 

-JV

How to calculate square root of a number in your head

 Found this cool article on hacker news. 

How to estimate the square root of a numer without using a calculator. 

Link:

 https://gregorygundersen.com/blog/2023/02/01/estimating-square-roots/

Excerpt from my war journal: Self-discovery, meditation and reflection in the desert

Like I said earlier, I was going through my journal and I found things in there that I think it's TMI for the whole world to see. Not that many people are reading anyway, I do get a few dozen readers per post, I don't know who exactly is reading, but to the 400+ people who read my posts, thanks? Just know that I write here just for myself. 

 There is one entry in my journal that really moved me. It feels weird to talk about my deepest thoughts about myself in this way out in the internet, but the truth is that even though many people I meet seem impressed with all the things I've accomplished in my life, deep down, I am not impressed with myself at all. I am very, very harsh on me internally. I have impossibly high standards that I work really hard to meet, but for whatever reason I always feel like an imposter like I'm not good enough. I'm lucky that the people around me support me and love me unconditionally becuase internally I am always critizing myself, I think it's good to always grow and improve but every once in a while it's good to be kind to yourself, it's good to forgive yourself for your mistakes and maybe it's good to say something positive about yourself once in a while. I believe in personal growth and improving but sometimes it's okay to just BE. 

 This is why when I read this entry for a change I felt pleased with myself because 24 year old me was thinking about the rigtht things and doing good deeds during a difficult situation. So I want to be kind to myself and nice to myself and congratulate it, and share it. 

 The context: This entry is dated May 5 2003, my unit was in an airfield in the middle of the desert in the country of Jordan about 70 Kms from the border with Iraq. We had spent the war essentially being security for a airport runway in the middle of nowhere. There were things I remember but didn't write down in my journal, about seeing the special forces dudes drive off to Iraq to do covert missions long before the war officially started, about volunteering to help unload casualties from the helicopters in the middle of the night. Anyway one night after dinner chow we learned that we were getting orders to "go forward" meaning, we're going to Iraq. 

I remmeber that the only thing that mattered for me was making a phone call to let my wife know that I was going forward, because I knew that meant that she will definetly not hear from me in a while, there were no phones or infrastructure back then, obviously. I also knew in the back of my head, perhaps that would be the last time I ever talk to her? I couldn't admit it to myself then, but I knew that was a possibility and I really needed to hear her voice one last time. Unfortunately, I could not reach her, there was a limited amount of public phones on the base, they were turned off most of the time, there was always a line to use them and when I finally got my turn the phone was ringing and going straight to voice mail. I was mortified, frustrated, and desperate. I kept trying and trying until I finally got to talk to Martha. 

 Then, in typical military hurry-up-and-wait fashion, we waited and waited for the C-130's to fly us in. It took days to get the whole battalion to Bagdhad. We were separated and split into groups of 8, 24 or 60 people, I don't remember how many nights I spent in the runway waiting for a bird to take us in, I think we got word on a Sunday night and I got on a flight on Thursday morning, but I'm not sure. I do know that knowing you were going to a combat zone makes you see things differently, I was thinking about my identity, like, what makes me, me? In the context of the carnage going on, I knew that some of us were going to die, what does the loss of a human life in this way mean to the world? I'm just one more out of millions I thought, from my point of view I'm the most important character in the movie of my life, but in reality, what difference does that make in the history of the world? Very existential shit, for an infantry soldier about to fly to war. 

 So I want to share the pure, raw, most-inner thoughts of a young soldier scared for his life. 

 

 May 5 Jordan 

 Monday, 

Yesterday, right before dinner chow word got passed that we're leaving the next day at 06:00 to go forward to IRAQ. We immediatly began to pack. I was tired because the night before I tried to call home. I was tired 

 from doing the detail[1], but I wanted to talk to her, So I went from 12:00 to 3:00 AM, I only got my cell's answering machine.[2] So the next morning Pierce let me use his cell phone. I went to the MWR[3] tent and I called her. I got to say I was worried about the cell phone situation, after we got word that we were leaving I went to call, actually, Sgt Knight lent me his phone but I couldn't reach her, I called my parents instead, I talked to Mom, it was her birthday, so she was happy to hear from me, and I was too, but still, my wife was lingering in my mind, at one in the morning I asked Sgt Knight again this time I called Karol's cell[4], Martha answered the phone, she was really glad to hear from me, but as soon 

 

 as I told her that I was going (to Iraq) she started to cry, that really breaks my heart, now I feel bad cuz I left Martha all sad. But I really wanted her to hear it from me. Damn, I really miss her. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. I trust her, but I don't like being apart from for so long it's going to take some work to get our lives together. I really can't wait to be with her again.

          Later. 

 

Well, it looks like we are not leaving just yet. I am sitting here bored, I was reading Imagica[5] it's almost ten P.M. but I'm not sleepy, actually I was doing what I do a lot, thinking, reminiscing of different days and situations,

 I'm listening to Projecto Uno and I was thinking about my drives from Florida to North Carolina where I would play this CD in my Cavalier so I would stay awake, I was thinking about all the situations in which I can't help, in which I'm stuck and only time can fix, and showhow after it's all done I always look back on them, it never feels looks that bad after it's over. I feel a lot of nostalgia towards my past. I miss the States. but why? besides the obvious, my wife and my goals. I miss my freedom. But come to think of it I am free here. When I get back I won't have the time to ponder about life like I do now. The way I did on those long drives back from Florida to North Carolina. 

So I was wondering. What am I about? What do I stand for? What defines me? Who am I? I can say what I am. I am 24 years old, Venezuelan born American citizen. Sergeant, Florida National Guard. Mortarman. I am an American soldier in the Middle East. I am a newly wed absent husband. I am a computer Engineering Student at Florida Atlantic University. I am a teller at Bank Atlantic. I am part of a Christian family[6] I am bilingual, What have I done? let's see. I am a high school graduate. I was commanded the Honor Guard[7] at Boyd Anderson H.S. I joined the Marine Corps after H.S. I graduated #1 out of Corporal's Course. I was had my own Mortar section

 

at age 19. [8] I help my parents whenever I can can. I have a 3.76 GPA in FAU out of 20 classes I have one B, one B+ one C and a C+[9] the rest were A's. I am married. But who Am I? By that I mean what do I believe in? What do I stand for? what is he meaning of my existence? That's really hard for me to see. I believe in doing the right thing, whatever that is. That's the problem, I do not know what is the right thing to do.  In the most basic thing I think taking care of my own. Taking care of Martha and my family, be their provider and mentor. I want to be a good example to my children, I want to father people who will make history, who contribute to humanity in a positive way, I want to 

       reach wisdom, to learn something about life and human nature everyday. I believe that you reap what you sow. I believe that you get out of life what you put into it. but also life is about the journey, not the destination to me life is like a trip, you have to learn a few things along the way in order to make your ride more comfortable. but you can't get lost in the details. Also I really believe that life is the ultimate gift a human is capable of providing I was given life and I want to return the favor. But I can't begin to explain what the hell life is about. There are so many things going on. So many Questions without Answers. I guess people make up their own answers to the Same Questions 

I am not different, but I want to define myself. I want to be able to say who is Jose Ali Villalta P? The best answer I can give right now I am a man who is curious about the world. I remember that as a Kid I lived in constant awe about the most mundane things. I used to daydream a lot. But I used to wonder about stuff that left any impression on me. Wars, flying planes. Science-fiction all those things interested me. History still does. What can we learn from our past? I am curious about everything. I wan to see the world and know its people. I want knowledge. I want to understand. That's who I am. a wonderer, a curious kid. 

----

This, I wrote, waiting to go to combat. Thinking if I die will it mean something? Wondering who the hell is this person writing these words. 

 well, I think that 24-year-old-me got it right. That's who I am.  I am just a curious kid, I feel energized when I learn something new, I feel a spark of joy when something that I didn't understand suddenly makes sense. That's who I am at the core, I am a scientist and philosopher at heart. My schooling might be in engineering, but my heart is with those who wonder, those who explore.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I really enjoyed re-reading and sharing this entry. I know I must sound corny or whatever, but I really don't care. I speak my truth here with no shame whatsoever. 

 J.V.

Seattle. 

Notes: 

 1. detail is ARMY jargon for a performing a particular task. In this case I remember we were guarding fuel reserves, jet fuel if I remember correctly. 

 2. I guess the term voice mail was invented yet? 

 3. MWR: Morale Welfare and Recreation, the hangout lounge for troops on a break. 

 4. My mother in law 

 5. Some fantasy novel

 6. I declared myself an atheist officially in 2007, but I already had my doubts at this point

 7. JROTC 

 8. Mortars section leader as a teenager (in charge of 10 people) is not too bad, but not uncommon in the Marines...if you know what you are doing. 

 9. Freaking Calculus and Differential Equations wrecked my perfect 4.0 lol Have not checked my math here, I tend to lie about my GPA, even to myself apparently. 

My Review of "Stolen Focus: Why You Can't Pay Attention - and How to Think Deeply Again

Stolen Focus: Why You Can't Pay Attention- and How to Think Deeply Again by Johann Hari
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I wanted to write a more through review because I think this book is IMPORTANT for the times, but I keep on putting it off, and at the end it's better to write an incomplete review right now than no review at all.

Anyway, this book is about a few things, attention and tech. The biggest take away here is that there is a well-funded war for your attention in silicon valley. The best minds in the world are coming up with ways to capture your attention for profit making us incapable of focusing for long periods of times. The creator of the infinite scroll feature says it himself.

I really enjoyed the chapter on cruel optimism. This link really explains how I feel about it better than I could say it myself https://tegowerk.eu/posts/cruel-optim...

Anyway, this book is one of the best books I've read in a while. If you found this blog post from a link on twitter or facebook, do yourself a favor and read this book.

I read this book while on vacation in Florida last November, but was too distracted to write a review on time :|

View all my reviews

My Review of "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel on Goodreads

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Esther Perel, the world renowned relationship and sex guru writes a book that describes the how and they why the flames of passion dim down in stable, long-term relationships.
The book draws from years of experience as a therapist as well as extensive scientific research to educate the reader on the psychological blueprints of marriage and desire. It turns out that there is a paradox, or dilemma between Love and Desire. Love seeks closeness, safety, security. Desire needs distance, mystery and a sense of danger. This dual nature of our psyche explains why couples that start out with an active sex life end up not having sex as often as they used to. Well, that and other reasons, some parents replace their lovers with their children, other couples have issues going back to when they were children. "Tell me how you were loved and I'll tell you how you make love" was a fascinating chapter. It also provides some advice but this does not feel like a self-help book with tips and recipes, like "do this and you will start having more sex" no, it's not like that, this explains how desire comes and what makes desire go away. I would say it's common sense, but it's not, one of the points of the book is that a lot of people have this mindset that relationships and intimacy should be a natural instinct instead of something you can work on to improve.

Personally I really enjoyed this book as a way to understand myself and my 20-year long marriage better. Some things I already learned the hard way, by experience, others I learned from reading a while back, but this book offers new perspectives and gives me the knowledge and tool to make my marriage stronger.

I recommend this for all you who interested in improving your marriage, but it's no substitute for actually getting help if you think your marriage is in trouble.


View all my reviews

Coming Soon: New posts on my technical blog

I started a new technical blog a few months ago but I stopped when I couldn't keep up the pace of a technical paper every day. 

I am going to go back to technical writing, stay tuned

Here's the full link: https://josevillalta.github.io/

How to be (a) trans-parent

This is a post that I've been meaning to write for a long time. This morning I was thinking about it and deleted everything and started again from scratch. Why? Well because I was writing in a tone of self-congratulatory hubris where if only you love your child so much then everything will always be okay. Of course, you should love your child unconditionally but the act of growing and learning to be a parent never stops. I would love to believe that I know what I'm doing and what I'm talking about when it comes to transgender issues, but the fact is. I do not. I'm still learning how to do this thing. 

Here's what I know: My child did not choose to be this way, this was not caused by some event or something in the way she was nurtured. I'm pretty sure she was born this way. Here's how I feel: If I had the power to change anything I wouldn't change my trans daughter, I would change the way society treats trans-people. There's nothing wrong with her, she's fine, it's US the ones that are not okay. 

Being a father was one of the most transformative events in my life, I actually started this blog as a response to finding out my wife was pregnant, so this blog is just a little older than Jolyne. I remember how I scared I was. I also know that being a good dad has always been something that I wanted to do well.  Being a bad dad is one of the regrets I don't want to have. 

Jolyne was at the hospital a lot, not because she was a sickly child (although she had jaundice, asthma and fevers all before she turned 6 months) but because as clueless first parents we didn't know better and would go to the doctor's office anytime we were worried. Hundreds of dollars and hours waiting outside doctor's office we figured out that you don't have to take your child in every time there's a fever. 

Jolyne had to have speech therapy from early age. When she was four nobody could understand what she was saying. I took her to so many different types of doctors it was unbelievable. It was around this time I made one of mistakes that I still regret. We stopped speaking Spanish at our home. Jolyne's first words and first language was Spanish but after I took her for testing people at the doctor's office made me feel like it was my fault for "confusing" my child with two different languages. That turned out to be BS and I ended up with children that can't speak Spanish. (yet) 

Jolyne was not an easy child, but she wasn't the worst. She, like me, always has trouble sleeping. She would do things that I thought were a little weird (didn't like anyone touching their head or hair) but some of them were pretty funny. She would do what I'd call "spontaneous nakedness" where she'd take all her clothes off as soon as she got back from kindergarten and run around naked regardless of who was home at the time. 

The Florida school system had her classified as dyslexic because she couldn't read in first grade. She was diagnosed with ADHD when we moved to Seattle. When the doctors gave us the questionnaire to figure out if Joly had ADHD my wife noticed that I have the same exact symptoms, so that's when I got diagnosed too. I just had learned to live with it for most of my life. Up to that point I had always suspected that ADHD was one of those "fake" diseases because there really is no biological test you can take that tells you conclusively whether you have it or not. At this point I'm convinced it's a sleeping disorder with symptoms that affect all aspects of your life. I also felt uncomfortable with giving a child stimulant like Adderall or Ritalin. I had all kinds of objections on moral, and scientific grounds. "If my child's personality is different, which one is the real one?" , "How do you know we HAVE to to give them medication?" thankfully the doctors we've talked to have heard all these questions before. I knew it was real when Joly started catching up in school, the six months right after starting treatment he improved by leaps and bounds.  

Then one day when Joly was 12 they told their younger sister "I think I'm a girl"  

As an aside, Joly told me about other trans girls that knew they were trans earlier than that ironically because they had parents that enforced gender rules explicitly "boys don't play with dolls" etc. We were never that way with Joly resulting in her not knowing until later. 

At first I thought that maybe Joly didn't mean she was trans, I thought that they might be attracted to boys and that's how they expressed it?  In any case, we found therapist that specialized in LGBQT because at the same time, there was a change in demeanor, it was like the bright little child we had was dimming their life force. It's hard to describe, you know when you meet a pregnant woman and you say you can tell she's pregnant because she's "glowing"? Well, picture the opposite of that. The therapist kept telling us that our child was actually not depressed, but Joly didn't want to do anything but be in their room playing video games.  It was around this time where she hated people taking their picture (she still doesn't like it, but it's getting better) If Joly was not depressed it was pretty close to it. I would describe her demeanor as having no ambition, nothing to live for. Just exist. It was hard to see. 

We went to Seattle's gender clinic, and had Joly talk to doctors there, this was during the beginning of the pandemic. As soon as the transition process started, it was the biggest change I had ever seen. Joly went from lethargic to being a full person with drive, dreams and goals. Seeing how happy she is now has been worth it. 

I was worried about how my friends and family would react, would they think I'm a bad parent or something? Turns out every single person in my family and friend group has been loving and supportive. Even my right-wing crazy conservative family. I'm very happy about that.

Today she's a beautiful person with her whole life ahead of her. She's doing her thing in her own words she's "slaying" I think that's a good thing. 

Her thing now days is film. I mean, she could pick whatever she wants to do with her life I'll still love her the same.  She does have a knack for perceiving movies in a way that goes deeper than what most people perceive. Joly sees the technical details as well as the connection of the themes to the Big Picture. She is sensitive to aspects of movies I had never ever considered. I am sure that whatever route she takes it will work out. 

These are some movies she made at the Seattle Filmmaking Camp at the MoPop

The Door from Cherry Street Films on Vimeo.

So what's next? 

For me I want to learn more and know more about trans people. I've read a couple of books "Transgender History" was good but there's other books I've added to my reading list. 

Most importantly I want to help the transgender community secure basic human rights.  Transgendered people are not always protected by the law and suffer greater proportion of violence. 

Okay, I have a new favorite podcast

 I listen to podcasts but not as frequently as I want to because I alternate between audio books and just listening to music on Spotify, but every once in a while I get a podcast recommendation and I try it out and I end up hooked from the first episode. 

This is the podcast description from a co-host: link

"If you’re subscribed to this newsletter you probably know that I’m fascinated by bad ideas. Where they start, how they spread and, most importantly, why we believe them.

About six months ago, I started talking with my friend Peter Shamshiri (of the excellent 5-4 podcast) about how to do a show on the worst ideas of the last 50 years. We immediately thought of “airport books,” the pop nonfiction that has become one of America’s primary vectors for oversimplified history, misrepresented statistics and “contrarian” reinforcement of the status quo"

The podcast is called "If Books Could Kill" and the first episode is about the book "Freakonomics" which I actually really liked when it first came out, but the podcast did such a good job of debunking it I am super into it now. I love when something challenges my pre-conceived notions. I thought Freakonomics was awesome but now I see that I was duped. Check it out if you are into books

Big thanks to @richburroughs on Twitter for the recommendation 

JV

My review of "The State of Affairs" on Goodreads

The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Esther Perel is the author of the best-seller "Mating in Captivity" about rekindling intimacy in long-term marriages. She is a therapist (a good one) with decades of experience across multiple cultures and different couples including same sex couples and polyamorous...groups? triads? anyway she's good and she knows what she is talking about from working with tons of people over the years.

This book covers the topic of Infidelity which is a hot topic that elicits strong reactions, it's after all the only sin that's twice in the ten commandments once for doing it and once for just thinking about it. it's considered the ultimate deal breaker that no marriage ever comes back from. Yet, people still cheat, like, all the time and relationships do come back from it, though often they don't and it's never the same after the revelation.

The book does an excellent job of exploring this contentious and misunderstood topic from all the angles. The chapter about the definition of cheating was thought provoking. If I have a friend at work "work wife" is it cheating if I don't have romantic feelings? What about watching porn? what if it was just sex? what if there was never any sex? There are a ton of scenarios that I had never thought about, the answer, like many things in life, depends on the person and the couple.

There are insightful chapters about the meanings and motives for cheating, it dispelled a lot of myths for me "people in happy marriages never have affairs" or "if you cheat is because there's something wrong with you or something wrong with your marriage" I mean, sometimes that's the case, there are people with narcissistic personality disorder who just don't care about other people's feelings and think the rules don't apply to them and there are times when an affair signifies the beginning of the end of a marriage. However there are times when affairs just happen, and they happen for reasons that are surprising, self-exploration, antidote to deadness, rekindling passions that were lost due to paradoxically the stability and the safety of a marriage. It turns out that safety and intimate knowledge curbs desire over the years. Other people cheat to explore the lives they never lived, etc, etc...fascinating stuff

There is a very interesting chapter dedicated to the other woman. Society does not look kindly on them, there are labels like "home-wrecker" the "mistress", "man snatcher" and worse, it's funny that it's always a woman, you never hear single dudes that have an affair with a married woman referred to as a "woman snatcher" that speaks to the gender roles we still cling to even though society and relationships have changed since the days when women had to endure infidelity from their husband because economically they had no choice but to stay at home and be a mother.

The chapter on the other woman explained affairs from their point of view, their concerns and feelings and it makes them feel heard, I wish it had an explanation about why? what makes a young attractive woman with many choices choose an older, married guy? Is it that we humans just lust after what we can't have? we're emotional machines that think after all. But surely, there has to be more to it. Perfectly smart people make crazy choices I guess. Who knows

There is another section in there about how to recover, the different ways that couples can move forward after the revelation, sadly some marriages cannot recover and well, that made me sad to read.

I liked the depth and breath of the book, I liked that it made me learn and see things from a different perspective. I carry my own baggage because my father had an affair that totally affected everything in our lives. I liked that the author clearly knows what she is talking about.

I didn't like the fact that there are no prescriptions in this book, if you are looking for a self-help book or something like that, seek counseling because you won't find answers here. I wish there were more examples in the book but it turns out the author has a podcast called "Where do we start" that is just that, couples come in and talk about their issues.

Overall, I liked this book as a way to understand a complex subject. Is it for everyone? Maybe, maybe not. For me it was super interesting.


View all my reviews

A short interview about Racism for my daughter's high school project

Jose Villalta 1 · Interview about Racism for Black Studies HS Course

Operation Iraqi Freedom 20 years later

 Yesterday marked the 20-year anniversary of the day that the 124th Infantry Regiment from the Florida National Guard was activated by Governor Jeb Bush in order to support the war on terrorism. I was a 23 year old, newly-married FAU student enlisted in the FLNG thinking that we'll never get deployed (haha)

Our unit ended up deployed for 15 months. We got our orders January 10th 2003 and I returned March 11 2004. 

So I was thinking about doing a thing were I post a journal entry on the anniversary of the date in the journal, but I read my diary last night and decided against it because it was way too personal and I wrote things in there that are for me only. 

20 years later I feel kinda the same I felt 10 years ago or 5 years ago. Namely, that shit sucked. But I'm glad we made it through and I'm grateful for being able to say I served this country. 

 Big picture thinking I hope we as a nation learned our lesson not to get involved in conflicts that you can't stop, but America has the amazing ability to ignore history when making political decisions. 

The thing that bothers me (haunts me) is the plight of Iraqi people. Civilians. They got a bad deal and yet they are still there living the best they can with the circumstances they have gotten. They didn't choose to have the US fucking level their country but, there they are. I don't want to offer simplistic answers to a complex situation, the Iraqi people have been fighting among themselves for a while, Sunni and Shiite tribes have been struggling for power there for centuries but I still feel bad for them. 

It's so easy to think about wars in abstract terms and to imagine combat as an empty battlefield with two opposing forces. Truth is messier than that. There are more than two players and there's always collateral damage. Yeah our leaders weigh in the pros and cons but it's the grunts on the ground that have to get their hands dirty. It was people like me and other young idealistic service members that get sent there and have to see first hand what destruction really looks like. All that, for what? What exactly did we accomplish there? What was it for? Oil? Dominance? For our Freedom? 

On a personal level I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I was able to do what I wanted to do with my life. I have mostly moved on even though this type of experience stays with you for me it's not a heavy burden.

Sometimes I dream about Iraq, they are not pleasant dreams but the next day I feel like I had a catch up session with an old friend. I am thankful and grateful for every day I get because you are here one day and the next you may not be here. 

JV

Play ball! 2023 Opening Day in Baltimore

Now that it's safer to travel, I'm going to try to go to at least one new baseball ballpark per year. There's nothing like a summer night at the ballpark.  Last year I started going to the ballpark again after the pandemic hiatus. Before COVID we used to go at least a dozen times per year. Here's one of those times where Seattle Transit featured a picture of us in their IG account. 

Last Year I visited Wrigley Field home of the Chicago Cubs. That was quite something to be in the same building where Babe Ruth called the HR shot in the 1932 World Series. 

I've been to a few ballparks before, I was in the old Yankee Stadium with my Brooklyn-born wife. 

The game was fun, but the subway ride from the Bronx back to Queens was...an adventure, you try wearing Yankee Jerseys in Mets territory. 

EDIT: Added one more picture form Yankee Stadium, I had to find it in my digital vault lol

The very first MLB game I ever went to was what was then called Joe Robbie Stadium in Florida, I don't know what the name would be today, Dolphin's Stadium? Don't Say Gay Stadium? Who knows. 

Anyway, Joe Robbie was possibly the worst baseball ballpark in all of Major League, maybe the world?

We got rained out all the time, the seat angles were all wrong and day games were excruciatingly hot. It still holds a dear place in my heart because it was my first, for a little boy in love with America's past time going to a major league baseball game was a big deal. My first Marlins game cost my mom $4 and I remember the trip because we got a flat tire on the way to the game and a state trooper pulled over and helped us fix it, I was mad because I missed the first pitch. The Marlins played the Houston Astros a team I detest with all my heart. Anyway here's a pic when the Miami Marlins were called the Florida Marlins circa 2005 AD. 

I must say out of all the baseball stadiums we've been to the most beautiful park is in the West. Specifically San Francisco's ATT Park. I don't have any pictures that do it justice, there's nothing wrong with Seattle's T-Mobile, it's a lovely park, but I'm NGL, I was jealous of the Giant's home, the view of the Golden Gate is just breathtaking. Here's a pic with Gabs repping Florida, of course. 

So this year I'm going to go see Opening Day at Baltimore! Can't wait. The Yanks will be playing the Orioles, I already heard that wearing Yankees stuff will get me killed. Fair enough. I'm not going to go wearing Orioles stuff though, I'll just wear a subtle white shirt with blue stripes or something. 

My Review of "It Ends with Us" on GoodReads

It Ends with Us by Colleen Hoover
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Lily Bloom meets Ryle, a neurosurgeon with a temper on the day her dad died.
This NA Romance covers some serious topics under a somewhat predictable plot.

I must admit, this is not my usual type of book, but my sister recommended it to me so I was curious and I checked it out. I liked that the author wrote the two main characters with depth and honesty that sadly were lacking in the rest of the cast. Colleen Hoover has something to say in this book about domestic violence and I think she did an excellent job of putting it out there.

I haven't read a lot of romance books, Hmm, I take that back, you could always find Eric Jerome Dickie paperback in my backpack back in the day but I don't think was meant for me. I didn't enjoy the story, or the plot as much but had admiration for the courage and the message CH puts out there.

I accidentally bought the sequel first, so I'll be reading that as well.

View all my reviews

How to deal with stress

A couple of months ago I had the chance to get interviewed by Hugo Castellanos for his Podcast Conexiones  (Podcast is in Spanish)

towards the end of the interview Hugo asked me a question along the lines of "since you were in the Marines and you've been in combat you've dealt with so much stress, so I bet the office environment is like a walk in the park" and boy, I could tell you, I can talk for hours about that. 

Anyway, yes being shot at is kinda of stressful, it can be traumatic, but I am not going to talk about trauma and PTSD here, even though that's a big topic for me as well since I have so many people close to me that have suffered trauma. I've lost 2 friends to suicide from the service, one of them happened in front of me so, yeah big heavy subject. 

That doesn't mean that service members are the only ones that suffer from stress, everyone does. What I'd like to do here is say what has worked for me and what doesn't always work. 

First, I'd like to tell you what worked for me back in the day by pure luck  When I was in Iraq I just KNEW I'd come back. I was 100% positive nothing bad was going to happen to me, to the point that I did things I shouldn't have done like volunteer for stuff I shouldn't really volunteer for. I knew people that were consumed and obsessed with fear and it didn't help them at all, they were living in misery. I just told myself that there's pretty much nothing I could do about the danger so why stress out about it since it makes no difference, if I am going to get blown up might as well not be miserable while I'm still here, right? In that case, I do recommend letting go of the things you can't control, but I'm getting ahead of myself. 

Positive thinking is nice, but that alone is not enough. Here's what I think works better. 

Clarity of Purpose and Preparation. 

If you have a clear reason or purpose for putting yourself through something then there isn't much you won't be willing to do to reach that purpose. Most of us are determined to survive, if you have a goal that you really care about then you probably won't mind. 

This applies to the real world, if you have a clear idea of who you want to be, what they call your "Horizon Point" and you constantly work towards that goal, then you can endure whatever to get stuff done. 

If you put your energy into what you can do and let go of the things you can't then yeah, life gets easier. 

I'll tell you what I try (but fail to achieve constantly) is to do less harm and more good to others, to the world. I don't like to hurt people. I understand that my actions and words have hurt people in the past and I always regret it, I carry the baggage of Iraq with me all the time because I have been asking myself since then (almost 20 years ago) was all that for a good reason? Did I really help make anything better for anyone out there? 

I'll confess something here, it took me 8 years of service as an infantry man, 6 of those years as an NCO to realize that I am no warrior, I hate violence and I want to compensate all the destruction I've done by building and nurturing lives. I hate it when I know I've hurt people, I wish I could take it all back sometimes, but I have had to make peace with my past and just, let it go. 

My purpose is to be good to people, at least that's the idea. It's not always easy because like David Foster Wallace said in "This is Water" our default setting is to be selfish. Link to youtube

So having a clear, non-selfish purpose is good, what else?

Mindful Meditation

Alright, another fun fact, my favorite perk for working at Amazon is the "Fishbowl Events" where famous people stop by to speak, before the pandemic they used to come in person. I was able to meet Neal Stevenson, Malcom Gladwell, Martha Stewart and more. I must say it's nice to meet the authors of books you love, but it's fun to discover new people, new things, it turns out I really enjoy listening to authors of cookbooks like Ina Garten. Here's a lady who quit a job in the White House as a Nuclear Strategy Advisor to follow her passion as a chef and she is so passionate and dedicated to her craft that I was, I don't know, fascinated? I just appreciate excellence when I see it. Martha Stewart was the funniest, coolest convict I've met and she's friends with Snoop Dogg? it was awesome to meet all those people in person. 

So last year there was a Fishbowl Event titled "how to train your mind" (not the mushroom dude, that would be "How to change your mind") which discusses how meditation can improve your focus and help you deal with stress. At that point I had heard that meditation actually works meaning that there's scientific evidence to back it up. So I downloaded the audio book, and thus my journey to mindful meditation started. 

Being mindful of your thoughts and being able to control your attention is as close to having a SuperPower as any person can come. My favorite book on the subject is Peak Mind by Dr. Amishi P. Jha although "Stolen Focus" by Johann Hari brings a lot of interesting points regarding the role of tech and social media and what it does to our attention. 

I must say Mindful Meditation works very well specially when combined with a good clear purpose. 

Disclaimer: YYMV not a substitute for actual professional help for some situations. 

The Stress of Difficult Decisions

What happens when you are in a situation that offers no easy choices? I think that's still an issue for me, sometimes I want 2 things but I can only have one. In that case my answer is to:

1. Think about the regret rule. What will you regret having done or not having done 20 years from now. 

2. Think about your "Horizon Point" which decision gets you closer to who you want to be. 

Some decisions are harder than others. Some decisions are "2 way door decisions"  and those should be picked quickly, but there are decisions that once you make them you can't come back from. 

Even with all the different tools, there are sometimes not obvious right answers. I think about our leaders deciding to send thousands of people to their deaths in a war, who bears the burden for that? Is it for a good cause? If it's a war for a just cause, yeah. 

Some times the right answer is obvious, but it's too painful to make, in such cases the right thing to do is of course do the thing that lines up with your "Horizon Point" 

I recommend reading "Decision Making Models" and applying them when appropriate. I like to think of the trade-offs, long-term, short-term. However, humans are emotional creatures that can be rational, not the other way around. Reason goes out the door when it comes to matter of the heart. That will be a topic of a different blog post. 

;)

My favorite books from 2022

 Of all the books of 2022 I'd like to call out the ones I enjoyed the most or consider important enough to mention

Best Fiction of 2022

(notice that this are books that I read in 2022, it doesn't mean the book was *published* in 2022)

Patternist Series by Octavia Butler

Octavia Butler is probably the most under-rated science fiction writer of all time. Every thing she has written is freaking good. 

Seed to Harvest starts out with two immortal beings that meet in the plains of Africa in the 16th century, then they travel to America before the Revolutionary War. The first book of the series starts as the story of a power struggle between our two protagonists. The thing that stands out is that as the series progresses the books and characters start to change in a way where each book could stand on its own until the end where it all comes together. 

My favorite thing about this book is the depth of the characters, there are no good or bad people, just people who act according to their views, goals and fears. It's an excellent exploration of power and gender. 

Billy Summers by Stephen King

Reading Stephen King is like watching a movie, you sit back, relax, grab some popcorn or a snack and let him take you on a ride. The main character was a Marine that was deployed to Ramadi, Iraq in the year 2004 and for some weird reason I can relate to that. The plot and people are good, and yeah, I cried at the end of the book, don't say I didn't warn you. 

The Lincoln Highway by Amor Towles

This is a story set in America in the 1950's two boys go on a road trip in search of their mother. This is like reading the classic Odyssey but it's in the States instead of Ancient Greece. Gorgeous writing, good characters, the plot is okay but the point is the journey, not the destination. 

Most Thought-Provoking books from 2022

The 1619 Project created by Nikole Hannah Jones

A collection of different essays that expands on the NYT series.  This book caused conservatives to lose their shit because it dared to question the established myths that we tell ourselves about America. 1619 explores the legacy of Slavery in the United States and explores how much it shaped our country, our history, our culture. 

The Contrarian: Peter Thiel and Silicon Valley's Pursuit of Power

Who is Peter Thiel? That's the question this book attempts to answer. It does a good job at it, but what makes it thought provoking for me is that Silicon Valley has this reputation of being run by a bunch of hippie bleeding-heart liberals and the truth is quite the opposite. 

How the World Really Works: The Science Behind How We Got Here and Where We're Going

This book confronts the current big issues of our time and offer the reader a sober look at reality. Where does the energy we consume come from and where does it go to. What does concrete and steel production have to do with climate change (spoiler: a lot) 

I must say that this book is a bit depressing, there are a lot of complicated problems with no easy solutions. This is the stuff that doesn't get talked about as much on the daily news because it doesn't have catchy sound bites, but it's worth knowing about. I'm sure John Oliver in HBO does a good job of covering these type of things. Anyway, this is an important book, if you want to be an informed citizen, you should know what's in this book. 

Most Useful books of 2022 (For me anyway)

Peak Mind: Find your Focus. Own Your Attention. 

How to pay attention and be present in the moment. The answer: A tried and scientifically proven way to improve mindfulness: Using Meditation.

Fun fact about this book, I picked it up on impulse when I was at Chicago O'Hare Airport, the opening paragraph caught my eye and I bought it and did not put it down until I was done with it. I really liked the author's voice, it's like she's having a conversation about this stuff with you. 

I must say that I can struggle with paying attention and being in the moment, but without this book I would be much, much worse. 

Success Under Stress: Powerful Tools for Staying Calm, Confident and Productive When the Pressure's On. 

This is one of those self-help books, so I got this book for free, there was like a big stack of them at the Blackfoot building in Seattle back when it housed the EC2 team (back when I worked for EC2) I picked it up, started reading it, went like, meh, and moved on. However, I picked it up again after reading the book on paying attention. I started to slowly read it and do all the exercises in the book. There are a lot of sections that I still think are BS, but there are some gold nuggets in there disguised as tautologies. I like the section about having clarity of purpose and understanding one's own Horizon point.